Crushed

Sometimes, a single word captures the essence of an experience more than a sentence, paragraph or novel. Or a thoughtful nod... more support and encouragement than a dissertation on grace. Or a song... more emotion and pain than I could ever express.

The past few months have been extremely dark. Near the start of it, a friend mentioned: "When we ask Christ to change us, he doesn't just add a little maturity here, or a little spirituality there... Often times, he brings a wrecking ball to our lives."

I am convinced that God is interested in nothing less than our conforming to the image of His son. If we ask Him to enter our lives, we must be willing to trust in spite of the sufferings that will come our way. I would not wish this experience on anyone, but there've been many treasures in this darkness (Isaiah 45:3), which I believe will continue to belong to me as I persevere" in them and not just pay them mental assent.

"Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers." (1 Timothy 4:15-16)

Strangely enough, one of the sources of encouragement during this time has been through the weirdest of mediums: Rage Against the Machine and Chevelle. For those who know me, this is not typical... Until recently, I never understood why I was always drawn to bands like Linkin Park, RATM, Chevelle, Saving Benjamin, etc. In short, they expressed something I couldn't. I agree that not all of it is beneficial, but feelings like anger, fear, sadness, etc. are indications of something amiss. When sent below and not dealt with, they fester and can produce all sorts of maladies in our soul.

Giving thanks, not allowing the sun go down to our anger, turning the other cheek, etc. cannot be taken to mean "suck it up." We were created to live, feel and own ourselves (i.e. self-control) not by not-feeling, but by learning how to trust God in the face of these feelings. Or rather, "when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent" (Psalm 4:4b). He is God, we are not, and there is joy and peace in realizing and relinquishing our utter weakness, sinfulness and stubbornness (Deuteronomy 29:29).

I don't think I can be happy about this time of suffering, but I am thankful for the path its pushed me towards. "It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees" (Psalm 119:71). When it comes down to it, the person of God is the answer. None of our clever arguments or self-flatulation can earn an inch more of righteousness. When Christ died, he took the penalty for our sins, the power of our sin (over us) and the effect of our sins (guilt and shame). Where best to know the person of God than in the full, bodily representation of God - Jesus Christ? Where best to know Christ than in the word?

"The sermon and the Spirit always work in combination to pronounce liberation. Sometimes the Spirit and sermon do supply direct answers to human need but most often they answer indirectly. The sermon no matter how sincere cannot solve these
unsolvable problems. Rather, together with the Spirit the sermon exists to point out that having answers is not essential to living. What is essential is the sense of God’s presence during dark seasons of questioning. Our need for specific answers is dissolved in the greater issue of the Lordship of Christ over all questions-those that have answers and those that don’t."

Looking forward to sharing more...

Don't Want to Go Through the Motions

I'm a sucker for passionate/conviction songs...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaHmiFaX_pk&NR=1

Not Faith in Faith

But Faith in God. This theme has come up more than once of late, and I am struck by its simplicity yet truth. It's not the size or forcefulness of our faith, it is the strength and awesomeness of our God.

Ran into this article recently, and thought it'd be a good one to share. Enjoy!

Mustard-Seed Faith (A Fresh Look at Matthew 17:20)
by Rev Edmund Chan

It was a most embarrassing situation. The disciples were confronted
with something that left them feeling both powerless and helpless. It
shouldn't have been like that. Not in God's economy. But it was.
And it had left these apostles-in-training most confounded. It was
something that they just couldn't understand.

OUT OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE
A young lad was tormented by a demon. It was severe. He was
tormented to the point of insanity. He would throw himself into the
fire. He would throw himself in the water. He would have been burnt
or drowned to death if not for the vigilance of his concerned
caregivers. In vain his family had tried to help him.

Finally, the desperate father had brought this demonized son to the
disciples of Jesus.

There was a desperate and urgent cry for deliverance. Jesus wasn't
around. And if we take Matthew 17:1-13 as the immediate historical
context, then Peter, James and John (the inner circle of disciples)
weren't there as well. They were with Jesus at the Mount of
Transfiguration. The helpless disciples were left to fend for
themselves. They tried to cast out the demon.

Nothing happened. They were out of their depth.

They had done everything by the book. And yet nothing happened. And
we observe that it was not for lack of trying. They had tried
valiantly but failed miserably. They were totally out of their
comfort zone. Moreover, it wasn't a new situation for them. They had
done it before. They had seen demons cast out before and would no
doubt have participated in some of these deliverances. It had worked
then. But it was not working now.

Nothing happened. Until Jesus came.

With divine authority, He cast out the demon! The son was delivered.
The father was grateful. The public was awed. And the disciples were
astonished. And they had a burning question for Jesus. They waited
till the Master was alone. Out of the public limelight, they came
privately to Jesus to find out why they had failed so badly (Matt
17:19). Why Lord? Why could we not cast out the demon?

THE HEART OF THE PROBLEM
Jesus put His finger on something of utmost importance. Not his
diagnosis. Jesus did not say, "Your technique is wrong." The problem
wasn't one of methodology.

Nor did Jesus say, "You simply didn't try hard enough." The problem
wasn't one of diligence. Nor one of perseverance. Nor did Jesus say,
"Because you are not smart enough." The issue wasn't one of
intelligence.

Nor did Jesus say, "Because the demons are too fierce for you." The
issue wasn't the strength of demonic opposition. These things weren't
factored into Jesus' equation.

Rather, Jesus put His finger on the most significant thing. The
central issue was faith. Jesus declared: "Because of the littleness
of your faith" (Matt 17:20). Faith is the currency of heaven. Faith
taps into the power of God. Faith pleases God. Hebrews 11:6 says,
"Without faith it is impossible to please God."

MUSTARD-SEED FAITH
Here's the other thing. Don't miss the twist in Jesus' insightful
mentoring here. Jesus identified the root problem as the "littleness"
of their faith. Yet in the same breath, the Master Mentor said, "If
you have faith as a mustard seed..."

How strange. Jesus circumvented their expectations. And ours as
well.

We would have expected Jesus to say something like: "Because of the
littleness of your faith; if only you had a bigger faith..." Or a
deeper faith. Or a richer faith. OR a fuller faith. No, instead
Jesus said in effect, "If you had faith as a mustard seed, you could
move mountains."

Two figures of speech are employed here. "Small as a mustard seed"
was a common idiom that referred to something unusually small. The
mustard seed was the smallest of the garden seeds known. "Removing
mountains" was a figure of speech for that which is impossible or
incomparably difficult.

If you have faith as a mustard seed (v. 20). Some commentators think
that it refers to the growth potential of the mustard seed, meaning:
"If you had an active growing faith, like the mustard seed that grows,
you would not be baffled thus." Some others think it denotes the size
of the mustard seed: "If you had but a small grain of true faith,
though so little that it were like that which is the least of all
seeds, you could do wonders."

Which is it? Growing like a mustard seed or small like a mustard
seed? Neither.

NOT DIMINUTIVENESS OF FAITH
In hearing of the littleness of their faith (v. 20) the disciples must
have thought to themselves (like many of us would): "Yeah, the issue
is that we did not have enough faith. If only we had more faith!"

That's when Jesus masterfully (in the same breath!) pointed out their
error. He said in effect, "You totally missed it, guys - truly I say
to you, if you had really had true, God-inspired faith - even as small
as a mustard seed - it could do wonders!"

Get this. Jesus was evidently not commenting on the diminutiveness of
their faith but rather, the defectiveness of their faith! It was
compromised by unbelief (v.17)! It was faith in faith itself rather
than faith in God. It was the shallowness of their faith, not the
size of their faith, that was the central issue.

"Faith as a mustard seed" thus suggests that the chief consideration
is not the size of faith but the SIGNIFICANCE of faith. If they had
true faith - the right kind of faith that God would honor - even a
little faith, that would have been enough. True faith, no matter how
small, can do big things.

THE BIG MOUNTAIN OR THE BIG GOD?
The root issue here was not the size of the faith but rather its lack
thereof. There was UNBELIEF in the hearts and minds of the
disciples. They were operating out of their own FEELINGS rather than
on FAITH. They were concerned with how little their faith was in
light of how big the problem seemed.

Don't miss the hyperbolic contrast here. The smallest of faiths (the
mustard seed) is set in contrast with the greatest of obstacles (the
mountain). There's a profound point that Jesus is making with this
striking contrast - size isn't everything - neither the size of the
faith nor even the size of the mountain.

Jesus was formulating for them a vital principle of the kingdom of
God: NOTHING God asks them to do, even the seemingly impossible, will
be impossible if they truly trust Him.

COMING OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE
Another way to state this is simply: BIG God, small problems. Small
god, BIG problems! Which kind of God do we truly worship? A BIG, BIG
God! So, what's the problem?

It is this essential nature of true faith that we must come to terms
with. It is not faith in faith but faith in God. True faith, no
matter how small, can do big things.

Their eyes were upon two things: how great the problem was and how
weak they were to solve the problem. What the disciples failed to do
was to keep their eyes on God. That's what we ought to do when we are
thrown out of our comfort zones.

Indeed, Jesus answered the questioners that day rather than merely the
question. And He did it most memorably. "Faith as a mustard seed,"
He said. Small faith can do big things if it is in a BIG GOD!

Because it is not the greatness of our faith but the greatness of our
God that ultimately matters! It's time to arise from our comfort
zone. Keep your eyes on God! The BIG GOD! And put your faith IN
HIM!

Yes, even a mustard-seed faith.

Psalm 25

Psalm 25:1-8

¹ To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

² in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

³ No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

⁴ Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

⁵ guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

⁶ Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

⁷ Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

The last half of verse 7 is such a beautiful reminder. So often, upon losing my footing and falling, I come before God and repent with a "but".

God, I'm sorry for getting so angry but... I was tired. I'm sorry that I lacked self-control and failed yet again but... you put me in such a hard situation. I'm sorry for not trusting but... why did you seem so far away?

When brought before God, our "buts" and righteousness are as "filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6). We can never be the source of our hope, or the way toward holiness; our hope is not in ourselves or even our personal sanctification, but "according to His love" - as fully revealed in Jesus Christ. It is so interesting that David tells God to not remember his deeds but to remember Him.

Something about that struck at my heart. In the busyness of our everyday lives, we often get caught defining ourselves by the prescriptions of the world; not realizing that God sees past that to find us. I imagine the vindication of a kid being totally accepted by His father. A father who sees past the failures and mistakes and finds worth in him as him. No performance, no guilt... just love. Unconditional and unwarranted love. Where else can we go... You alone.

What a beautiful thing it is to come before God, warts and all, asking him to remember us BECAUSE of Him. I fail, but You are good. It's unconditional, it's unwarranted. Open our eyes and melt our hearts.

I'm not Alright

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immuned, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
Leads me to you
Closer to you
Closer to you
Closer to you

I'm not alright I'm broken inside
Broken inside
I'm broken inside, Broken inside
And all I go through leads me to you
Leads me to you

I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright ... that's why I need you.

- Santus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2LCvCBaqVg)

I stumbled on this song by Sanctus Real. I'm no where near as talented, but it feels as if I wrote this.

Vented

I'm on this initiative to not complain.. about people, weather, flights, etc. But right now, I need to vent. Maybe this will give me a better perspective.. maybe not. I know there is a reason for everything.

• Last night: Supposed to meet a friend for drinks/dinner. Friend lost number. Ate my taco, watched some TV, read, went to bed.
• 3:45 am: Woke up in a weird position. Neck hurts. Can't go back to sleep.
  
• Work day: Fire-fighting (not literal) while half asleep. Wish I wasn't on this project by myself.
• 2:00 pm: Check flight status for 3:15 pm flight. Flight delayed for hour and a half. Scheduled to leave at 4:45 pm, reach NY at 1 a.m. Decide to try finish up more work.
  
• 3:30 pm: Get to airport.
• 3:45 pm: Reach gate and find out that delay was rescinded. Flight was pushed up to 3:40 pm. Watch as staff tell me gate is closed, while I see crew still loading luggage. Watch plane pull away.
  

It's taken me over an hour (and a brief nap), to be calm enough to take out my computer and attempt at being productive. My parents have related numerous stories of God orchestrating situations, even missed flights, for his ultimate glory in the most unforeseen ways. I don't know what the purpose of this small episode is and - as I stood at the gate watching the plane pull out - I must admit that His glory was one of the last things on my mind.

But as I sat down tired, frustrated and sorta defeated, one of my parents' stories came to mind. Things like this happen for a reason.

The past week hasn't been easy; revisited by wounds I long thought healed, dealing with the loneliness of working out here myself, hearing the voices of rejection and inadequacy that spew lies and hopelessness. But before I slept last night, there was a measured peace that God would never leave nor forsake me. That He was in control.

Yes, today wasn't the best of days.. But as I sit here with 4 hours left before I find out if I actually get on the next flight, it is ok. Not because I've found something to do or am confident that I'll get on the next flight, but because He has always provided and today is no different.

Too much of my life is spent figuring out how to point to me. I really appreciate John's post on narcissism and self-love, because - while easy to see in others - it exists all the more in me. Nonetheless, if I am convinced that I am taken care of, then I am set free to live for others and point towards the only One that deserves glory.

As I whined and complained to my sister last night, she reminded me that I had once determined to live for the "Glory and Approval of One." Life definitely throws us curve balls, even when we live faithfully and are obedient to His word. People fail us, as do our plans, schedules and best intentions. But, as God provided for the Israelites in the desert, He provides for us. That we would stop complaining and whining, thinking we deserve a smooth ride because of our actions or past struggles. He knows what is best, and is determined to mine and refine us into a "certain kind".

I am still tired. But now, more than most times, His love is so sweet, so real, so constant. What an awesome God we serve.

Snow White

I was never allergic till three years ago. I blame college and the job search for that, as well as my "I've been in the army" pride (i.e. serves you right). I used to laugh at people with seasonal allergies, thinking it was an ailment for suburbanites whose greatest adventure was six flags. Har har.

But low and behold, I started sniffling and wheezing in the Spring of 2006. Every year since then has been a struggle; eye-drops, anti-histamines, alternative medicines (e.g. apple cider vinegar) and even a seminar... while most families hit the beach in summer, we spent a weekend listening to the link between sin and sickness. My sis and I still talk about the seminar, which sometimes finds its way into our brand of repetitive and immature humor - I admit it. I do think there is a link between stress and immunity/allergies, but... I won't go there.

Anyway, I ate an apple this morning and started to feel my mouth tingle. It felt like someone was flossing each of my teeth individually, but was using a guitar string and not floss. I've never done this, but imagine it would hurt. In any case, my mouth started to swell and the corners of my mouth developed - what felt like - instant cold sores. BTW, all this should clue you into how often I eat fruits and floss. I actually did floss this morning, which was what I thought caused all of this.

But... Thank God for google. I found this interesting link from the Canadian CBC. There's no way to verify this article, but it lines up with what I experienced. It seems like seasonal allergies may translate to "hay fever in your mouth" when eating fruits like apples, pears and oranges.

Well, well.. I think I just found my justification for drinking V8 and eating dried mangoes and yogurt covered raisins as my daily intake of fruits and vegetables. Or eating apple pies. What a great idea.