Hating my self
A gain or a vice?
Pride's false humility
Never felt so nice
Putting me down
Just to raise me up
The thoughts that hound
Deplete this love cup
Where is the confidence?
Where did he go?
Avoiding my arrogance
Brought me down this low
Who is there to save?
Who will relieve?
Anxiety's dark cave
And Self Pity's reprieve...
You came to me
It was You who pursued
You bent the knee
And then You understood
Please turn my eyes
From my sin and my shame
Away from these lies
To Your greatness and fame
Help me to see
That compassion abounds
Help me to need
That your grace may astound
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Authenticity
I used to run every day... like, everyday every day. It's been over two years since then, but somehow, I still think that I should be able to run every day. Of course, the added pounds, torn ligaments and IT band problems don't think so.
While attempting to work out today, it occurred to me that I wasn't very authentic when it comes to exercising. I throw in a couple half pull-ups in order to pretend that doing 15 is not a problem. I'd rather jerk and break my back doing a semblance of bicep curls then go five pounds lighter and actually do them properly. I guess the appearance of strength is better than strength. Reality however, is something of a _____. The scale isn't always broken; added pounds are more than what I ate last night.
Less you think I'm bulimic, the point is that my lack of authenticity pervades all areas of my life. I am not as patient as I think - the one, two, five people I am annoyed with all have one thing in common - me. I am not as organized, not as holy, not as loving, smart, aware... you get the point.
Unfortunately, we've learned from a very young age that weakness is unacceptable. It is better to fake strength, then be authentically weak. Kids mask manipulation with feigned obedience; adults do so with Facebook, ALT+Tab and living vicariously through the stories of others. It is so hard to find authenticity.
Even in Christian circles, we tend to extend this "sick cycle carousel." We praise certain traits, avoid others and keep silent when honest confrontation is the most loving thing to do. All the while, we split individuals and preach a brand of works theology that keeps most of us stuck for life.
Authenticity is painful. It is also hard work. It is easier to keep up the lie that I am strong (despite the evidence), then admit weakness and do the work of improvement. No? We readily admit that we "lost our temper," as if it weren't ours, but grimace at the thought that maybe we have an anger problem. How hard is that to say? I have an anger problem. I control too much, lack self control, am ridiculously selfish... I am weak.
But isn't that where God meets us? He meets us, not the us we want to be. If it weren't for the grace of God, feigned strength would be the only way out. Taking a page from Paul Miller's "A Praying Life", cynicism is the perfect example of weakness disguised as knowing strength. We might not agree with House that "everybody lies," but that attitude of cynicism as the underlying truth is where self-reliance and feigned strength takes us! If not for the grace of God, cynicism or flat-out denial is the only option.
I love how the ESV translates Romans 5:6 - " For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." How beautiful is that? We often need to see truth from thousands of angles before our vision clears.
I don't like making absolute statements, but I believe that God does not meet us unless we are authentic. He can definitely lead us there, but growth only comes when we - rested in the grace of God - begin to see ourselves as we are, repent and replace. Change doesn't come from striving, or positive thinking... it is something that God alone can do, and the amazing thing is that He wants us involved. US, not us in five years, us when we feel 100%, us after grad school or marriage... simply US.
Thank God. As David Benner puts it in "The Gift of Being Yourself," self-knowledge is impossible without God knowledge. This is an excerpt from the book:
In Christian Spiritual transformation the self that embarks on the journey is not the self that arrives. The self that begins the spiritual journey is the self of our own creation, the self we thought ourselves to be. This is the self that dies on the journey. The self that arrives is the self that was loved into existence by Divine Love. This is the person we were destined from eternity to become - the I that is hidden in the "I Am."
While attempting to work out today, it occurred to me that I wasn't very authentic when it comes to exercising. I throw in a couple half pull-ups in order to pretend that doing 15 is not a problem. I'd rather jerk and break my back doing a semblance of bicep curls then go five pounds lighter and actually do them properly. I guess the appearance of strength is better than strength. Reality however, is something of a _____. The scale isn't always broken; added pounds are more than what I ate last night.
Less you think I'm bulimic, the point is that my lack of authenticity pervades all areas of my life. I am not as patient as I think - the one, two, five people I am annoyed with all have one thing in common - me. I am not as organized, not as holy, not as loving, smart, aware... you get the point.
Unfortunately, we've learned from a very young age that weakness is unacceptable. It is better to fake strength, then be authentically weak. Kids mask manipulation with feigned obedience; adults do so with Facebook, ALT+Tab and living vicariously through the stories of others. It is so hard to find authenticity.
Even in Christian circles, we tend to extend this "sick cycle carousel." We praise certain traits, avoid others and keep silent when honest confrontation is the most loving thing to do. All the while, we split individuals and preach a brand of works theology that keeps most of us stuck for life.
Authenticity is painful. It is also hard work. It is easier to keep up the lie that I am strong (despite the evidence), then admit weakness and do the work of improvement. No? We readily admit that we "lost our temper," as if it weren't ours, but grimace at the thought that maybe we have an anger problem. How hard is that to say? I have an anger problem. I control too much, lack self control, am ridiculously selfish... I am weak.
But isn't that where God meets us? He meets us, not the us we want to be. If it weren't for the grace of God, feigned strength would be the only way out. Taking a page from Paul Miller's "A Praying Life", cynicism is the perfect example of weakness disguised as knowing strength. We might not agree with House that "everybody lies," but that attitude of cynicism as the underlying truth is where self-reliance and feigned strength takes us! If not for the grace of God, cynicism or flat-out denial is the only option.
I love how the ESV translates Romans 5:6 - " For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." How beautiful is that? We often need to see truth from thousands of angles before our vision clears.
I don't like making absolute statements, but I believe that God does not meet us unless we are authentic. He can definitely lead us there, but growth only comes when we - rested in the grace of God - begin to see ourselves as we are, repent and replace. Change doesn't come from striving, or positive thinking... it is something that God alone can do, and the amazing thing is that He wants us involved. US, not us in five years, us when we feel 100%, us after grad school or marriage... simply US.
Thank God. As David Benner puts it in "The Gift of Being Yourself," self-knowledge is impossible without God knowledge. This is an excerpt from the book:
In Christian Spiritual transformation the self that embarks on the journey is not the self that arrives. The self that begins the spiritual journey is the self of our own creation, the self we thought ourselves to be. This is the self that dies on the journey. The self that arrives is the self that was loved into existence by Divine Love. This is the person we were destined from eternity to become - the I that is hidden in the "I Am."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
"I Want What is Mine"
My need to be righteous will cause me to focus on the faults of others instead of being aware of my own spiritual need.
My need to be self-sufficient will keep me from depending upon the Spirit and recognizing the need I have for others.
My need to be in control will keep me from surrendering to the Spirit's leading.
My need to be right will keep me from yielding to a better idea.
My concern for my "reputation" will keep me from being a servant.
The demands of my methods or style may keep me from being able to give.
My felt need to protect my time, talent, treasure, will keep me from self-denial and the spiritual power that can be found there.
My need to be served will keep me from finding the joy of service.
My striving for "success" will keep me from making others successful.
Where there has been disappointment and the feeling of failure, when we return to the Father, that pain is transformed into greater intimacy with Him. Our perspective on life and our role in it is liberated from the tyranny of "what is mine" so that we can embrace more of what is God's.
- Dr. Geoff Gorush
My need to be self-sufficient will keep me from depending upon the Spirit and recognizing the need I have for others.
My need to be in control will keep me from surrendering to the Spirit's leading.
My need to be right will keep me from yielding to a better idea.
My concern for my "reputation" will keep me from being a servant.
The demands of my methods or style may keep me from being able to give.
My felt need to protect my time, talent, treasure, will keep me from self-denial and the spiritual power that can be found there.
My need to be served will keep me from finding the joy of service.
My striving for "success" will keep me from making others successful.
Where there has been disappointment and the feeling of failure, when we return to the Father, that pain is transformed into greater intimacy with Him. Our perspective on life and our role in it is liberated from the tyranny of "what is mine" so that we can embrace more of what is God's.
- Dr. Geoff Gorush
Friday, February 12, 2010
Rational
We often have no idea what the "right" thing is. If we do know, we usually don't follow. The "right" thing sounds pretty ridiculous at times, and why wouldn't it? When it comes to various sins and temptations, we are told things like "flee", "pluck out your eye" and "do not let the sun go down on your anger."
If you stop listening to yourself and our culture for a moment, do any of these commands actually make sense? Isn't fleeing an admission of weakness? Ravi Zacharias told a story of a young man who threw his key out of a front-locked hotel room, to avoid the "temptations of the night." Why the extreme measure?
Why not?
I think we believe ourselves stronger than we are. To think of it, were we that strong... would we need a savior?
To need a savior admits weakness. It is transference of trust based on our inability. And yet, we don't listen to this savior. We play with fire and are surprised when we get burned. We blame our parents, schooling, friends, etc. for our failures - needing an explanation for our failures. Any explanation, apart from our sin, to calm our conscience and feed our pride.
Nonetheless... any solution, apart from the gospel's address of sin, will only strengthen the problem - our self, our sin. God is not just rational, He is (as Pastor Ed puts it) "super-rational." I know my inability; I know my sin; I know my limits and by God's grace, I will know His ways. There isn't always a logical explanation for obedience, but the God who assembled my eyes, nervous system and fingers is more than trustworthy to be obeyed.
The hard work of obedience cannot be predicated on self-reward. If it were, God would be means to an end. The hard work of obedience must first of all, be birthed from a full awareness of our weakness and God's transcendent power and holiness. Secondly, obedience must be a response of faith to God's mercy and grace. Obedience that is not convinced of complete forgiveness is unbelief.
Even when it sounds ridiculous and impractical, obedience is borne from a heart of love that is fully convinced that His ways are much, much higher than ours.
If you stop listening to yourself and our culture for a moment, do any of these commands actually make sense? Isn't fleeing an admission of weakness? Ravi Zacharias told a story of a young man who threw his key out of a front-locked hotel room, to avoid the "temptations of the night." Why the extreme measure?
Why not?
I think we believe ourselves stronger than we are. To think of it, were we that strong... would we need a savior?
To need a savior admits weakness. It is transference of trust based on our inability. And yet, we don't listen to this savior. We play with fire and are surprised when we get burned. We blame our parents, schooling, friends, etc. for our failures - needing an explanation for our failures. Any explanation, apart from our sin, to calm our conscience and feed our pride.
Nonetheless... any solution, apart from the gospel's address of sin, will only strengthen the problem - our self, our sin. God is not just rational, He is (as Pastor Ed puts it) "super-rational." I know my inability; I know my sin; I know my limits and by God's grace, I will know His ways. There isn't always a logical explanation for obedience, but the God who assembled my eyes, nervous system and fingers is more than trustworthy to be obeyed.
The hard work of obedience cannot be predicated on self-reward. If it were, God would be means to an end. The hard work of obedience must first of all, be birthed from a full awareness of our weakness and God's transcendent power and holiness. Secondly, obedience must be a response of faith to God's mercy and grace. Obedience that is not convinced of complete forgiveness is unbelief.
Even when it sounds ridiculous and impractical, obedience is borne from a heart of love that is fully convinced that His ways are much, much higher than ours.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Care
If you really care
Then why break me
Why not leave me be
Let the world and life forsake me
Why intervene
Why chastise, correct, instruct
Let me be alone
Let me determine my own luck
You always pursue
I just can't reason why
I want you to stop
To find justice through my eyes
I can't forgive
You love and give away
I can't resist
Yet you tell me I'm ok
I want my way
You gently open my hands
Pushing others away
You slowly reshape my plan
My way is wrong
My heart set on selfish gain
It's only Your love
That fully answers my sin and shame
Is it possible?
That You saw all this before me
That you meant good
Even though pain is all I see?
I see in part
So now I hate and complain
You've seen in whole
And yet Your love for me remains
Then why break me
Why not leave me be
Let the world and life forsake me
Why intervene
Why chastise, correct, instruct
Let me be alone
Let me determine my own luck
You always pursue
I just can't reason why
I want you to stop
To find justice through my eyes
I can't forgive
You love and give away
I can't resist
Yet you tell me I'm ok
I want my way
You gently open my hands
Pushing others away
You slowly reshape my plan
My way is wrong
My heart set on selfish gain
It's only Your love
That fully answers my sin and shame
Is it possible?
That You saw all this before me
That you meant good
Even though pain is all I see?
I see in part
So now I hate and complain
You've seen in whole
And yet Your love for me remains
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Too Much
Pour myself out
A pail with no end
Keep giving more
Won't lose you my friend
Too much of nothing
Drowning the soul
Not just for me
But all whom I hold
A broken cup
Can only be filled
On calvary
Through the blood that He spilled
A pail with no end
Keep giving more
Won't lose you my friend
Too much of nothing
Drowning the soul
Not just for me
But all whom I hold
A broken cup
Can only be filled
On calvary
Through the blood that He spilled
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Pity
I have a few friends that I tend to pity. Friends who, when mentioned, provoke responses of "I feel bad for them....", "Do they know that they..." or even, "We have to pray for so and so, because..." When I investigate my heart, I find that much of my pity is akin to the elder brother mentality in the parable of the prodigal son.
In my "pity", I compare myself with another and glory in the betterment of my standards applied to their lives. How do I know this true? There have been countless times where God has worked and changed the lives of people I once felt bad for. Instead of praising His mercy and grace, I find myself uncomfortable, angry and jealous. The basis of righteousness (i.e. the betterment of my standards) is threatened, and all my "work" seems pointless; God does not appear fair.
If we only knew the full extent of being "hidden in Christ." We enjoy delighting in the benefit of being God's children, but do we know that it also means we are no longer our own? We are not the god of our lives anymore, and all such "pity", "feel bad for" and jealous envy is nothing but foolishness. God's love is not mutually exclusive; He shows no favoritism.
In light of, or rather because of my foolishness, I am thankful to God that He gives more, more and more grace.
"Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found." Luke 15:31b-32
"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 4: 1-2, 6-8
In my "pity", I compare myself with another and glory in the betterment of my standards applied to their lives. How do I know this true? There have been countless times where God has worked and changed the lives of people I once felt bad for. Instead of praising His mercy and grace, I find myself uncomfortable, angry and jealous. The basis of righteousness (i.e. the betterment of my standards) is threatened, and all my "work" seems pointless; God does not appear fair.
If we only knew the full extent of being "hidden in Christ." We enjoy delighting in the benefit of being God's children, but do we know that it also means we are no longer our own? We are not the god of our lives anymore, and all such "pity", "feel bad for" and jealous envy is nothing but foolishness. God's love is not mutually exclusive; He shows no favoritism.
In light of, or rather because of my foolishness, I am thankful to God that He gives more, more and more grace.
"Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found." Luke 15:31b-32
"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 4: 1-2, 6-8
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