Authenticity

I used to run every day... like, everyday every day. It's been over two years since then, but somehow, I still think that I should be able to run every day. Of course, the added pounds, torn ligaments and IT band problems don't think so.

While attempting to work out today, it occurred to me that I wasn't very authentic when it comes to exercising. I throw in a couple half pull-ups in order to pretend that doing 15 is not a problem. I'd rather jerk and break my back doing a semblance of bicep curls then go five pounds lighter and actually do them properly. I guess the appearance of strength is better than strength. Reality however, is something of a _____. The scale isn't always broken; added pounds are more than what I ate last night.

Less you think I'm bulimic, the point is that my lack of authenticity pervades all areas of my life. I am not as patient as I think - the one, two, five people I am annoyed with all have one thing in common - me. I am not as organized, not as holy, not as loving, smart, aware... you get the point.

Unfortunately, we've learned from a very young age that weakness is unacceptable. It is better to fake strength, then be authentically weak. Kids mask manipulation with feigned obedience; adults do so with Facebook, ALT+Tab and living vicariously through the stories of others. It is so hard to find authenticity.

Even in Christian circles, we tend to extend this "sick cycle carousel." We praise certain traits, avoid others and keep silent when honest confrontation is the most loving thing to do. All the while, we split individuals and preach a brand of works theology that keeps most of us stuck for life.

Authenticity is painful. It is also hard work. It is easier to keep up the lie that I am strong (despite the evidence), then admit weakness and do the work of improvement. No? We readily admit that we "lost our temper," as if it weren't ours, but grimace at the thought that maybe we have an anger problem. How hard is that to say? I have an anger problem. I control too much, lack self control, am ridiculously selfish... I am weak.

But isn't that where God meets us? He meets us, not the us we want to be. If it weren't for the grace of God, feigned strength would be the only way out. Taking a page from Paul Miller's "A Praying Life", cynicism is the perfect example of weakness disguised as knowing strength. We might not agree with House that "everybody lies," but that attitude of cynicism as the underlying truth is where self-reliance and feigned strength takes us! If not for the grace of God, cynicism or flat-out denial is the only option.

I love how the ESV translates Romans 5:6 - " For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." How beautiful is that? We often need to see truth from thousands of angles before our vision clears.

I don't like making absolute statements, but I believe that God does not meet us unless we are authentic. He can definitely lead us there, but growth only comes when we - rested in the grace of God - begin to see ourselves as we are, repent and replace. Change doesn't come from striving, or positive thinking... it is something that God alone can do, and the amazing thing is that He wants us involved. US, not us in five years, us when we feel 100%, us after grad school or marriage... simply US.

Thank God. As David Benner puts it in "The Gift of Being Yourself," self-knowledge is impossible without God knowledge. This is an excerpt from the book:

In Christian Spiritual transformation the self that embarks on the journey is not the self that arrives. The self that begins the spiritual journey is the self of our own creation, the self we thought ourselves to be. This is the self that dies on the journey. The self that arrives is the self that was loved into existence by Divine Love. This is the person we were destined from eternity to become - the I that is hidden in the "I Am."