Stepping Forward

Bye

I am leaving you behind
Bid farewell, locked in time

Memories I paid to revisit
Only to stop now, and hesitate

You were my comfort, my safety, my plan
All along, while rejecting His hand

But as I leaned, I couldn't move on
Couldn't accept the dreams that were gone

This crux of a life that I once lived
Was not as pleasant as I had believed

I'm dropping the keys, closing the door
Turning around to look no more

Years a yonder, there's no regret
But only hope and life instead
- 5/25/09

I'm moving apartments this week. I spent a good three years in this apartment, and have to admit that leaving is pretty sad (albeit exciting). For those who haven't noticed, I'm all about the dramatic imagery and moments. I like thinking back to "what was I doing three years ago, to this day, at this hour..." and let the nostalgia flood and, at times, comfort. Key distinction: liking dramatic imagery <> dramatic.

Nonetheless, there's something comforting about that reflection... i.e The "good 'ol days" were so darn good, and I've come so far within that time span. *That past sentence only makes sense in a Southern accent* Yet, there is also something unhealthy about that reflection.

I wrote about this a few weeks ago, but I've struggled of late to not live within the boundaries of the past. As good as it may have been, there were also times of struggle during the past three years. As comforting as my room with an attached bathroom was, how I hated being there at points. As great as my work experience was, how I couldn't bring myself to wake up on certain weekdays... In Isaiah 43:18-19, God's admonition to the Israelites does not belittle the goodness of the past - it highlights the promise of the present.

I am a dweller on the past, constantly letting past achievements and memories comfort and secure me. But all of that is within my control, and I am the king of my planet nostalgia. God's reminder for us is to let go of the past, and let Him define our present. I used to wonder how the Israelites could grumble so much during their 40 years in the wilderness; not only grumble, but clamor for their time of slavery. Isn't that akin to my actions and thoughts?

In holding on to my memories, I (in some ways) am dictating to God how I want my present to play out. By saying this, I am by no means minimizing the importance of learning from the past and allowing time for healing. What I am saying, is that we have to make a decision to let go of our past and its promise in order to fully live in the future.

You hear stories about ex-college football players reflecting on what could've been and what was... or people in the workforce clamoring for the carefree days of college. How amazing would it be if we were excited about today; about what God is doing today, about what He thinks of us today, about how we are changing today, about His provision today.

Yes, the past can be a safe place to live. But it is also a numbing and stagnant place. Safety is in the center of God's plan... moving, living and being in a present-time relationship with Him. I wrote the small blurb above while thinking of closing the doors to my apartment for the last time and in some ways, finishing up a specific and special season of my life (see what I mean about the dramatic imagery). This is hard to honestly articulate, but I must believe that God can and will make the next season even better.