Bangkok

Leaving Bangkok today... Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva declared a state of emergency, as protesters forced the Asean summit to be canceled.

We didn't notice too much, other than the fact that we had to take a longer route to the airport this morning. Off to Nepal...

Narita Airport

First stop, Narita Airport. Shower, soba, unspecified beverages, lounges... Thank you United. Ran into my uncle and cousin transiting from Hokkaido - what a small world.

I feel a bit guilty posting this, given the purpose of my trip and all. But I'd be lying if I selectively posted pictures of me in a rural setting - covered with mud, mosquitoes, etc. Funny how that picture is the common perception of mission trips. It's almost like there's a mission tier status. The more suffering, the holier (Disclaimer: This is me rambling and does not reflect what is taught at Perspectives or what my dad believes).

There is a reason for the beverage BTW. The lounges here have automatic beverage dispensing machines, which tip the chilled glass at the perfect angle to create the perfect amount of froth. I had to try it. They also have automatic toilets, but... To be honest, the trip has been great so far. It's nice to get a break from work (no blackberry buzzing or "what should I be doing") and having 14 hours of movies, books and reflection. I watched Twilight and liked it.

I also started reading Charlie's book on calling: A Journey Worth Taking (Charlie Drew). There's this one part that really struck me -

"When we allow the calls to self-discovery and service to eclipse the call to God, they cease to be calling at all, for we have bidden the Caller to leave. We become idolaters (even if we are engaged in worthwile spiritual causes), and our idolatry makes us miserable. Self-discovery becomes depressing because the things we "discover" about ourselves tend to be unflattering. Work and service begin to dry up and lose their sense of purpose. Or they degenerate into what we do to get approval or to get the money we need to enjoy ourselves somewhere else. Or they become obsessions that bring on sleepless nights, inhibit serious friendships, and send us to an early grave..."

Wow. This was one of those passages you read, put the book down, and let the weight of its truth convict you.

Anyway... this post turned out longer than I expected as my flight was delayed. Next stop, Bangkok.

Off and On

Flight from San Francisco to Newark was delayed. Got in at 2 a.m. Did laundry, packed, finished up some work - 6 a.m. Have to leave the house by 9 a.m. Sun is up.

Needed to share... I've been disturbed recently by the thought that much of my motivation for going on this trip is selfish. Shouldn't the ideal be an overwhelming passion for the people or more importantly, for God? Am I falling into a consumeristic mindset of testing the water to see what suits me?

If so, I hope that changes. I shan't beat myself up; that is often just an exercise in self-pity or -sufficiency. I don't know the clean theological answer, but I do think this struggle is necessary. If we are motivated by an overriding emotion for the people, that fades and so may our effort. If we are serving to find our niche, that too is too weak a motivation to sustain our effort. If however, Christ and His glory captures our imagination, passion and motivation, there is no separation between the love for others, us being "satisfied" and God being glorified.

In short, time for me to stop filtering my motivations and let God be God. It is He alone that convicts, He alone that changes and He alone that sustains.

Struck

Struck at the heart
How would you know
Secrets so guarded
I would not show

A word that pierced
My hardened soul
A stream beginning
A seed that grows

You bring the water
You bring the rain
Only revive
Only reclaim

Start Again

There's something about being tired that borders on losing yourself. That phase where nothing really matters, and you just want to sleep it off or down that plate of hamburger, fries and beer.

It's the feeling of separation, where nothing matters and you wish you could just start again. I wish I could start again; I would do it differently this time. I wouldn't doubt, I wouldn't fear, I would believe.

It's times like this where faith is such a fight. Can I believe Lamentations 3:22-23?

²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

If His compassions never fail, then why does my heart? Why do I? Yes, Your compassions are new every morning, but my strength is sapped and I don't know how to continue. What if I take you at Your word? Can I start again - today, tomorrow, now? I want to know the yes, not just hear it.

Breaking Out of J

I retook the Myers-Briggs test today and guess what, I'm a strong INFJ. 80% I, 80% N, 70% F and 80% J. Many people hate this test, feeling constrained by its prescriptions. I actually like it - it helps me understand others and is a great go to topic in awkward silences. :) Plus, it helps me carefully winnow out chosen friends as I only talk to people who are my opposites (ENTP, ESTP)... Smirk.

In all seriousness, my theory is that relating to individuals who are very strong in a trait I share tends to push me in the opposite direction. For example, if my sole friend is an introverted control freak (I and J), I am pushed to become more extroverted and spontaneous. Thankfully, I do not know many introverted control freaks. Winnowing, winnowing... That and my mood tends to skew my INFJ-ness. Right now, I'm stuck in a hotel room and extremely tired... This is pretty much me distilled.

This weekend, I broke out of the man formerly known as INFJ and it felt great. Feeling bored and tired at a barbeque, I (along with 3 other weirdos - many of whom were sticking with their personality traits) decided to drive 2 hours to Philladelphia and enjoy a spontaneous adventure. We ran up Rocky's steps, climbed empty fountains, got lost in West Philli suburbs (wouldn't recommend that) and stuffed our faces with buttered bread + beef + cheese + lard and fries. It was great. It was freeing. It was so much fun.

So yes, I do like the MB test. It's a great starting point for understanding others, but is definitely not a be all and catch all. Sometimes, the greatest joys in life are found when we step out of ourselves and let loose (ala Dr. Manhattan). I'm sorry, totally inappropriate...

There are some people whose status quo is a state of constant spontaneity - I am very jealous. For us normal folk, the spontaneity and adventure is something our heart thrives on and our 9-5's don't provide. What am I trying to say? There is so much to live for; so much which we do not allow ourselves to enjoy because it does not fall in line with our personality, plans, expectations, etc. Spontaneity definitely comes with a sacrifice, but at the core of spontaneity is a heart that longs to rely on more than its mind. This is a heart that thumps and beats, and most importantly - lives.

You Alone Can

Hurt tugging at my side,
Just want to shut down,
Why continue? Why try?
Why pretend?

If I give in,
Is there relief?
If I stop,
Is there finally peace?

Hurt just holds,
I try to escape,
Where dreams expected,
Push toward hate

If there is You,
And I believe,
My life affected,
My spirit saved

Come and rescue,
Come revive,
Piece the broken,
Mend this life,

Here I am,
My hurt in hand,
Trusting You,
For you alone can