First Thoughts

We're waiting for our flight to Bangkok. I'm still processing the trip - there's definitely a lot to digest. In short, it's been amazing; the people, their passion and most importantly, God and His purposes.

I'll write more on my 5-hour layover in Bangkok, but a short update: I ate something suspect on either Wednesday/Thursday. Came down with some pretty severe food poisoning - couldn't hold anything in my stomach for about 36 hours (I'll spare everyone the details). I managed to speak at the youth meeting, but couldn't make it for church on Saturday. Feel a lot better right now, but still eating bread with plain tea.

Nonetheless, that in itself has been a great learning experience. Thanks for all of your prayers.

All About Jesus

God is so good. I will share more when the time comes, but I've been humbled, convicted, challenged and encouraged.

I spent some time yesterday with some associate pastors. Their knowledge of theology and their eloquence blew me away. Spent this morning with young church leaders from all over Nepal. Many of them walk days to the event. Was so humbled - it is I who should be learning. There was one moment that stood out - we were singing "Jesus, we enthrone You" and "Be to Our God" in a tight room with no electricity (more on that later) and two guitars/one drum. It was so beautiful; in all honesty, I haven't heard anything close to that in a long time. Their earnestness was infectious.

I visited an orphanage in the afternoon/evening. I was even more blown away. I started talking to one of the young pastors out here. We talked over lunch, and got to talking about helping him with support. Hearing what he goes through/has gone through/what he's currently doing is amazing; in short, he supports an orphanage with 16 girls and started a church... on top of translating duties, and generating enough income for all of this. Please pray.

Back to the title of this post. Yesterday and the day before, I felt out of place. This is stream of consciousness, so it's not going to be packaged or articulate. I felt cynical, not spiritual enough, sinful, selfish and just plain out of place. I'm the youngest on the team - the next age up is 40+. In some ways, I was getting frustrated - feeling as if I came for no reason. I sort of blew up at my parents yesterday, which was part jet lag and part frustration (...I apologized, albeit long after the fact).

This morning, I felt awful. Had a short devotion time with parents, and was reminded that it really wasn't about me. God's purposes are so much greater, and yet He's so faithful in allowing us to participate. Christ and the gospel are real - it is the power of God for the salvation of many. It's real. It's all about Him. Our lives, our efforts, everything. He paid it all, and all to Him we owe. In the end, He's really not interested in our plans, abilities or attributes. He desires our hearts - and is more interested in what we are becoming, than what we are doing. Why? His glory. His glory, manifest in our satisfaction and deep enjoyment of who He is. His glory, overflowing through us to the world. His glory, which will one day be recognized by every tribe and tongue.

Having said all this, I would appreciate prayer for the team/me in this area of putting Him first. I honestly think that this isn't a huge struggle for others on the team, but I'm trying not to be selfish. :) I do still feel as if I don't have that much to give - I should be the one learning... Really.

I'm giving a "motivational talk" tomorrow morning, and then have the youth meeting on Friday. I might speak at a service on Saturday (at the church of the young pastor I talked to)... In short, any prayer would be mucho appreciated-o.

Bangkok

Leaving Bangkok today... Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva declared a state of emergency, as protesters forced the Asean summit to be canceled.

We didn't notice too much, other than the fact that we had to take a longer route to the airport this morning. Off to Nepal...

Narita Airport

First stop, Narita Airport. Shower, soba, unspecified beverages, lounges... Thank you United. Ran into my uncle and cousin transiting from Hokkaido - what a small world.

I feel a bit guilty posting this, given the purpose of my trip and all. But I'd be lying if I selectively posted pictures of me in a rural setting - covered with mud, mosquitoes, etc. Funny how that picture is the common perception of mission trips. It's almost like there's a mission tier status. The more suffering, the holier (Disclaimer: This is me rambling and does not reflect what is taught at Perspectives or what my dad believes).

There is a reason for the beverage BTW. The lounges here have automatic beverage dispensing machines, which tip the chilled glass at the perfect angle to create the perfect amount of froth. I had to try it. They also have automatic toilets, but... To be honest, the trip has been great so far. It's nice to get a break from work (no blackberry buzzing or "what should I be doing") and having 14 hours of movies, books and reflection. I watched Twilight and liked it.

I also started reading Charlie's book on calling: A Journey Worth Taking (Charlie Drew). There's this one part that really struck me -

"When we allow the calls to self-discovery and service to eclipse the call to God, they cease to be calling at all, for we have bidden the Caller to leave. We become idolaters (even if we are engaged in worthwile spiritual causes), and our idolatry makes us miserable. Self-discovery becomes depressing because the things we "discover" about ourselves tend to be unflattering. Work and service begin to dry up and lose their sense of purpose. Or they degenerate into what we do to get approval or to get the money we need to enjoy ourselves somewhere else. Or they become obsessions that bring on sleepless nights, inhibit serious friendships, and send us to an early grave..."

Wow. This was one of those passages you read, put the book down, and let the weight of its truth convict you.

Anyway... this post turned out longer than I expected as my flight was delayed. Next stop, Bangkok.

Off and On

Flight from San Francisco to Newark was delayed. Got in at 2 a.m. Did laundry, packed, finished up some work - 6 a.m. Have to leave the house by 9 a.m. Sun is up.

Needed to share... I've been disturbed recently by the thought that much of my motivation for going on this trip is selfish. Shouldn't the ideal be an overwhelming passion for the people or more importantly, for God? Am I falling into a consumeristic mindset of testing the water to see what suits me?

If so, I hope that changes. I shan't beat myself up; that is often just an exercise in self-pity or -sufficiency. I don't know the clean theological answer, but I do think this struggle is necessary. If we are motivated by an overriding emotion for the people, that fades and so may our effort. If we are serving to find our niche, that too is too weak a motivation to sustain our effort. If however, Christ and His glory captures our imagination, passion and motivation, there is no separation between the love for others, us being "satisfied" and God being glorified.

In short, time for me to stop filtering my motivations and let God be God. It is He alone that convicts, He alone that changes and He alone that sustains.

Struck

Struck at the heart
How would you know
Secrets so guarded
I would not show

A word that pierced
My hardened soul
A stream beginning
A seed that grows

You bring the water
You bring the rain
Only revive
Only reclaim

Start Again

There's something about being tired that borders on losing yourself. That phase where nothing really matters, and you just want to sleep it off or down that plate of hamburger, fries and beer.

It's the feeling of separation, where nothing matters and you wish you could just start again. I wish I could start again; I would do it differently this time. I wouldn't doubt, I wouldn't fear, I would believe.

It's times like this where faith is such a fight. Can I believe Lamentations 3:22-23?

²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

If His compassions never fail, then why does my heart? Why do I? Yes, Your compassions are new every morning, but my strength is sapped and I don't know how to continue. What if I take you at Your word? Can I start again - today, tomorrow, now? I want to know the yes, not just hear it.