Hold On

The pain inside
Nobody knows
A tired smile
As darkness grows
Happy faces, now escape me
Hidden by the hurt within
Can't explain this, can't deny this
No one shares this suffering

I'm all alone
No place to go
My tears my friend
My sleep my home
Fighting upstream, nothing changes
Keep my head, above this flood
Feeling hopeless, faithless, worthless,
How can I be finally free

Hold on to God
He is a rock
He knows you sorrows, He knows your pain
He won't reject you
He won't despise
Beckons you come
In your guilt and your shame



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Forgiveness

As professing believers, we are usually convinced that we've forgiven the bulk of people in our lives. We ignore the pangs of bitterness when a specific individual's name is mentioned, or the replays in our mind of what we could and should have said. We rationalize that it is only normal, that we don't have to "like" everyone, that we are solely accountable to God and not to others. Meanwhile, our heart harbors hatred, hypocrisy, pride and a desire for justice. Where is our witness? How are we light? Are we not just walking in blindness (1 John 2:1-11)?

When it comes to loving others, forgiveness must be one of the primary topics. Forgiveness is supernatural; there is no motivating factor that can counter the greatest wrongs but the love of Christ. It is impossible to hold a grudge against another, when your grudge against another is deemed worse but forgiven. Yet, we still hang on to justice. We require justice, not realizing that - were justice applied to us - we'd be the first ones convicted by our standards. Boundaries are good and proper, but they are never an excuse to bypass love. How hard is it for us to say sorry? How hard is it for us to accept sorry?

Reconciliation is not always a possibility, but forgiveness always is. There are a lot of sermons and books out there about forgiveness, many focusing on the parable of the unfaithful servant (Matthew 18), the command to forgive "seventy times seven" times, and Jesus' words about Mary (Luke 7:36-50). While forgiveness starts at the heart, it is helpful to have practical means to expose the areas of unforgiveness in our lives and hearts... and, more importantly, allow the light of Christ to shine in those areas. I've found the following 6 steps from one of Pastor Ed's sermons extremely helpful:

1. Acknowledge Your hurt
1. "I've been hurt" - Rather than bashing the person, state "I've been hurt"
2. Path to forgiveness starts with vulnerability
2. List specific offenses
1. May bring up old pains, but is necessary
   
3. Give yourself to God
1. Throw yourself to God (Job 1:21 - the Lord gives and takes away)
2. Either something has been taken away from us; or something we expect to have has not been given (or both). We are to surrender to God even the right to these things; remember, the Lord gave, the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord
3. Focus is now on the Lord
   
4. Re-Framing: See the offender in the way God sees the person
1. Forgiveness: Two human beings, seeing each other in need of help (new light)
2. Person who perpetrated the hurt has themselves been hurt
3. Pray for the offender
   
5. Confess your sins to God: Critical spirit, judgmental spirit, anger, resentment, revenge (ask forgiveness as God reveals it to you)
6. Follow-Up: Forgiveness is not just a one-off deal
   
1. Forgiveness is a journey and an event
2. Forgiveness makes the pain decrease, not disappear
3. Forgiveness is like letting go of the string on a bell; bell still ringing, but will stop (letting go of a string is start of journey)
   
4. Hurt is there -> Each time, we ask God to help us make choice to road of freedom -> New forgiveness

He ends it by countering two popular myths:

1. I've already forgiven: Forgiveness is a journey
2. Forgive and forget: This is not a biblical notion
   
1. When you think of the incident and it hurts you, realize that forgiveness is a journey
2. Do NOT let this make you feel guilt
3. God is looking for a certain kind of forgiveness: Brokeness - even though all these happen, I don't understand. I lay hold of the fact that You are God, You are faithful, You will bring it to past.

It is a lot easier to forgive when we believe that God is good, God is in control, and God will bring it to past (i.e. He is always with us, He will started the work He completed, He has plans to prosper us, etc.).

Without Jesus, Nothing

I think the self-esteem movement is firmly implanted in the church, disguising itself as our recognition of God's love and view of us without the most important factor... Jesus. I say this as a full indictment of my thoughts, and the very words I've told myself and others as encouragement. While it may be the lesser of two evils (i.e. I am dirt, I am worthless, etc.), it does nothing to bring about true obedience and spiritual vitality.

We often tell people suffering with low self-worth a number of truths:

• God loves you and sees you as special/unique/one out of a million
• God sees you as His son/daughter
• God sees you as perfectly righteous
• God sees you as whole, you no longer need to perform
• You are secure in God

While all of that is true, it is incomplete. And that incompleteness is an obstacle for true spiritual growth and maturity.

For example, if we leave Jesus out of it... God sees me as perfectly righteous. That must mean I am righteous. But I still sin. I must be doing something wrong. I must not be having enough faith that He sees me as righteous. I must not be confessing enough, praying enough, etc. Where is the security?

The truth is, God sees all of our sin. He is not surprised when we swear, allow our anger to consume us or ignore the hurting. In fact, those very sins prove His point - we are in desperate need of a savior. The self-esteem movement of: "I'm unique, special, righteous, etc." is partially true, but misses the point! I am perfectly righteous because I am now hidden in Christ.

God no longer sees me as me, myself and I. If He did, I'd be responsible for proving my righteousness - an impossible task. God sees me as hidden in Christ, the perfect lamb that was slain for my sins. Yes, this takes away our control. It humbles us. It proves that we are unable. It proves we were given something we could never have earned.

But how comforting is that? God now sees me in the light of Christ. And because of that, all of the above is true. I am a co-heir of Christ; I am accepted and loved; I am a son of God. How paradoxical that this security arrives, not so much from repeating the mantra of "I am unique", but from recognizing my utter inability to be righteous, good, etc. and clinging on to the one who is righteous, good, etc. in confession and humility. The more we realize our sins and limitations (through His spirit), the more our hearts should rejoice in the truth of the Gospel. We are no longer our own. We were bought with a price. That, and that alone is what allows us to claim the promises of God.

Crushed

Sometimes, a single word captures the essence of an experience more than a sentence, paragraph or novel. Or a thoughtful nod... more support and encouragement than a dissertation on grace. Or a song... more emotion and pain than I could ever express.

The past few months have been extremely dark. Near the start of it, a friend mentioned: "When we ask Christ to change us, he doesn't just add a little maturity here, or a little spirituality there... Often times, he brings a wrecking ball to our lives."

I am convinced that God is interested in nothing less than our conforming to the image of His son. If we ask Him to enter our lives, we must be willing to trust in spite of the sufferings that will come our way. I would not wish this experience on anyone, but there've been many treasures in this darkness (Isaiah 45:3), which I believe will continue to belong to me as I persevere" in them and not just pay them mental assent.

"Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers." (1 Timothy 4:15-16)

Strangely enough, one of the sources of encouragement during this time has been through the weirdest of mediums: Rage Against the Machine and Chevelle. For those who know me, this is not typical... Until recently, I never understood why I was always drawn to bands like Linkin Park, RATM, Chevelle, Saving Benjamin, etc. In short, they expressed something I couldn't. I agree that not all of it is beneficial, but feelings like anger, fear, sadness, etc. are indications of something amiss. When sent below and not dealt with, they fester and can produce all sorts of maladies in our soul.

Giving thanks, not allowing the sun go down to our anger, turning the other cheek, etc. cannot be taken to mean "suck it up." We were created to live, feel and own ourselves (i.e. self-control) not by not-feeling, but by learning how to trust God in the face of these feelings. Or rather, "when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent" (Psalm 4:4b). He is God, we are not, and there is joy and peace in realizing and relinquishing our utter weakness, sinfulness and stubbornness (Deuteronomy 29:29).

I don't think I can be happy about this time of suffering, but I am thankful for the path its pushed me towards. "It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees" (Psalm 119:71). When it comes down to it, the person of God is the answer. None of our clever arguments or self-flatulation can earn an inch more of righteousness. When Christ died, he took the penalty for our sins, the power of our sin (over us) and the effect of our sins (guilt and shame). Where best to know the person of God than in the full, bodily representation of God - Jesus Christ? Where best to know Christ than in the word?

"The sermon and the Spirit always work in combination to pronounce liberation. Sometimes the Spirit and sermon do supply direct answers to human need but most often they answer indirectly. The sermon no matter how sincere cannot solve these
unsolvable problems. Rather, together with the Spirit the sermon exists to point out that having answers is not essential to living. What is essential is the sense of God’s presence during dark seasons of questioning. Our need for specific answers is dissolved in the greater issue of the Lordship of Christ over all questions-those that have answers and those that don’t."

Looking forward to sharing more...

Don't Want to Go Through the Motions

I'm a sucker for passionate/conviction songs...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaHmiFaX_pk&NR=1

Not Faith in Faith

But Faith in God. This theme has come up more than once of late, and I am struck by its simplicity yet truth. It's not the size or forcefulness of our faith, it is the strength and awesomeness of our God.

Ran into this article recently, and thought it'd be a good one to share. Enjoy!

Mustard-Seed Faith (A Fresh Look at Matthew 17:20)
by Rev Edmund Chan

It was a most embarrassing situation. The disciples were confronted
with something that left them feeling both powerless and helpless. It
shouldn't have been like that. Not in God's economy. But it was.
And it had left these apostles-in-training most confounded. It was
something that they just couldn't understand.

OUT OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE
A young lad was tormented by a demon. It was severe. He was
tormented to the point of insanity. He would throw himself into the
fire. He would throw himself in the water. He would have been burnt
or drowned to death if not for the vigilance of his concerned
caregivers. In vain his family had tried to help him.

Finally, the desperate father had brought this demonized son to the
disciples of Jesus.

There was a desperate and urgent cry for deliverance. Jesus wasn't
around. And if we take Matthew 17:1-13 as the immediate historical
context, then Peter, James and John (the inner circle of disciples)
weren't there as well. They were with Jesus at the Mount of
Transfiguration. The helpless disciples were left to fend for
themselves. They tried to cast out the demon.

Nothing happened. They were out of their depth.

They had done everything by the book. And yet nothing happened. And
we observe that it was not for lack of trying. They had tried
valiantly but failed miserably. They were totally out of their
comfort zone. Moreover, it wasn't a new situation for them. They had
done it before. They had seen demons cast out before and would no
doubt have participated in some of these deliverances. It had worked
then. But it was not working now.

Nothing happened. Until Jesus came.

With divine authority, He cast out the demon! The son was delivered.
The father was grateful. The public was awed. And the disciples were
astonished. And they had a burning question for Jesus. They waited
till the Master was alone. Out of the public limelight, they came
privately to Jesus to find out why they had failed so badly (Matt
17:19). Why Lord? Why could we not cast out the demon?

THE HEART OF THE PROBLEM
Jesus put His finger on something of utmost importance. Not his
diagnosis. Jesus did not say, "Your technique is wrong." The problem
wasn't one of methodology.

Nor did Jesus say, "You simply didn't try hard enough." The problem
wasn't one of diligence. Nor one of perseverance. Nor did Jesus say,
"Because you are not smart enough." The issue wasn't one of
intelligence.

Nor did Jesus say, "Because the demons are too fierce for you." The
issue wasn't the strength of demonic opposition. These things weren't
factored into Jesus' equation.

Rather, Jesus put His finger on the most significant thing. The
central issue was faith. Jesus declared: "Because of the littleness
of your faith" (Matt 17:20). Faith is the currency of heaven. Faith
taps into the power of God. Faith pleases God. Hebrews 11:6 says,
"Without faith it is impossible to please God."

MUSTARD-SEED FAITH
Here's the other thing. Don't miss the twist in Jesus' insightful
mentoring here. Jesus identified the root problem as the "littleness"
of their faith. Yet in the same breath, the Master Mentor said, "If
you have faith as a mustard seed..."

How strange. Jesus circumvented their expectations. And ours as
well.

We would have expected Jesus to say something like: "Because of the
littleness of your faith; if only you had a bigger faith..." Or a
deeper faith. Or a richer faith. OR a fuller faith. No, instead
Jesus said in effect, "If you had faith as a mustard seed, you could
move mountains."

Two figures of speech are employed here. "Small as a mustard seed"
was a common idiom that referred to something unusually small. The
mustard seed was the smallest of the garden seeds known. "Removing
mountains" was a figure of speech for that which is impossible or
incomparably difficult.

If you have faith as a mustard seed (v. 20). Some commentators think
that it refers to the growth potential of the mustard seed, meaning:
"If you had an active growing faith, like the mustard seed that grows,
you would not be baffled thus." Some others think it denotes the size
of the mustard seed: "If you had but a small grain of true faith,
though so little that it were like that which is the least of all
seeds, you could do wonders."

Which is it? Growing like a mustard seed or small like a mustard
seed? Neither.

NOT DIMINUTIVENESS OF FAITH
In hearing of the littleness of their faith (v. 20) the disciples must
have thought to themselves (like many of us would): "Yeah, the issue
is that we did not have enough faith. If only we had more faith!"

That's when Jesus masterfully (in the same breath!) pointed out their
error. He said in effect, "You totally missed it, guys - truly I say
to you, if you had really had true, God-inspired faith - even as small
as a mustard seed - it could do wonders!"

Get this. Jesus was evidently not commenting on the diminutiveness of
their faith but rather, the defectiveness of their faith! It was
compromised by unbelief (v.17)! It was faith in faith itself rather
than faith in God. It was the shallowness of their faith, not the
size of their faith, that was the central issue.

"Faith as a mustard seed" thus suggests that the chief consideration
is not the size of faith but the SIGNIFICANCE of faith. If they had
true faith - the right kind of faith that God would honor - even a
little faith, that would have been enough. True faith, no matter how
small, can do big things.

THE BIG MOUNTAIN OR THE BIG GOD?
The root issue here was not the size of the faith but rather its lack
thereof. There was UNBELIEF in the hearts and minds of the
disciples. They were operating out of their own FEELINGS rather than
on FAITH. They were concerned with how little their faith was in
light of how big the problem seemed.

Don't miss the hyperbolic contrast here. The smallest of faiths (the
mustard seed) is set in contrast with the greatest of obstacles (the
mountain). There's a profound point that Jesus is making with this
striking contrast - size isn't everything - neither the size of the
faith nor even the size of the mountain.

Jesus was formulating for them a vital principle of the kingdom of
God: NOTHING God asks them to do, even the seemingly impossible, will
be impossible if they truly trust Him.

COMING OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE
Another way to state this is simply: BIG God, small problems. Small
god, BIG problems! Which kind of God do we truly worship? A BIG, BIG
God! So, what's the problem?

It is this essential nature of true faith that we must come to terms
with. It is not faith in faith but faith in God. True faith, no
matter how small, can do big things.

Their eyes were upon two things: how great the problem was and how
weak they were to solve the problem. What the disciples failed to do
was to keep their eyes on God. That's what we ought to do when we are
thrown out of our comfort zones.

Indeed, Jesus answered the questioners that day rather than merely the
question. And He did it most memorably. "Faith as a mustard seed,"
He said. Small faith can do big things if it is in a BIG GOD!

Because it is not the greatness of our faith but the greatness of our
God that ultimately matters! It's time to arise from our comfort
zone. Keep your eyes on God! The BIG GOD! And put your faith IN
HIM!

Yes, even a mustard-seed faith.

Psalm 25

Psalm 25:1-8

¹ To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

² in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

³ No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

⁴ Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

⁵ guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

⁶ Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

⁷ Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

The last half of verse 7 is such a beautiful reminder. So often, upon losing my footing and falling, I come before God and repent with a "but".

God, I'm sorry for getting so angry but... I was tired. I'm sorry that I lacked self-control and failed yet again but... you put me in such a hard situation. I'm sorry for not trusting but... why did you seem so far away?

When brought before God, our "buts" and righteousness are as "filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6). We can never be the source of our hope, or the way toward holiness; our hope is not in ourselves or even our personal sanctification, but "according to His love" - as fully revealed in Jesus Christ. It is so interesting that David tells God to not remember his deeds but to remember Him.

Something about that struck at my heart. In the busyness of our everyday lives, we often get caught defining ourselves by the prescriptions of the world; not realizing that God sees past that to find us. I imagine the vindication of a kid being totally accepted by His father. A father who sees past the failures and mistakes and finds worth in him as him. No performance, no guilt... just love. Unconditional and unwarranted love. Where else can we go... You alone.

What a beautiful thing it is to come before God, warts and all, asking him to remember us BECAUSE of Him. I fail, but You are good. It's unconditional, it's unwarranted. Open our eyes and melt our hearts.