What We Need (Reflection 2)

It's 4:30 a.m. (1:30 a.m. over here in San Francisco). I fell asleep at 8 due to jet lag, and haven't been able to go back to sleep. Oh well... a week ago I got food poisoning, so there's always something to be thankful for. Speaking of which, isn't it amazing how small the world is now? A week ago, I was at the foothills of a mountain in Nepal and now I'm sitting on my bed in a sanitized Courtyard in South San Francisco.

One of my recent struggles has been a desire to "jealously guard" what I learned in Nepal; constantly assessing my thoughts and emotions to ensure that I have not fallen far from the "high." Thinking out loud, there's something admirable about that - but also something dangerous. The danger comes from using our feelings as the sole barometer of our closeness to God (i.e. chasing a spiritual high) rather than His word. What's admirable, is that tasting His goodness leaves one always asking for more of Him. Experiencing his love afresh is such a gift, loving the person of Christ is so precious.

After 24-hours of my food poisoning, I was getting pretty frustrated. I had to fly back to the States soon, and couldn't even hold down a cream cracker. I'm not sure they have cream crackers in the US; I don't think anyone would eat it. They are bland, flaky crackers that people only eat if that is the only snack their mom will leave at home or if they are sick (both of which applied to me). I have this picture of me eating cream crackers in the dark, while drinking a bottle of water. It is very sad, but also sort of funny.

In any case, there was one point where the cramps were unbearable and my system couldn't hold food down for any longer than 30 minutes. I'd eat and drink something, only to wake up 30 minutes later and take up my throne in the bathroom. I'm sorry if this is sort of crass, it's late and toilet humor is a good fall back. Anyway... after the 20+ time of a certain activity, I felt like a crude filtration system. I felt awful.

My parents were pretty awesome throughout this entire process, and would check up on me and pray for me throughout the night. At one particular time, my mom encouraged me to praise God. This would usually irritate me, as she wasn't the one ingesting stomach acid. But it was such truth for that time. One of the subtle lies that had crept in to my life was: if we are faithful, he will be faithful in kind and answer our prayers as we desire. Yes, God delights to honor our faithfulness, but He is not required to give us anything. He already has. If we are constantly looking to Him in order for us to receive something, our faith becomes very superficial and shallow.

I was bringing my petty accomplishments on the trip to him as evidence of my service and faithfulness. In kind, I would like to be healed. It was only when I heard the admonition to praise God that something shifted.. Actually, right before my mom prayed - the song "Jesus, we enthrone you" came to my head. There's something very powerful and freeing about proclaiming Christ as king, even when the light at the end of the tunnel is no where near.

After some reflection, I think this is what it is: When we can praise Jesus in spite of us not receiving a clear answer to our prayers, we are telling Jesus that He is better than anything He can give. It brings a freedom, because I am free to praise Him regardless of what I get. I am not bound by circumstance nor outcome, but simply by His goodness. That brief realization was so precious.. I pray that I do not forget.

We are really a work in progress. We are a stubborn, selfish and gift seeking people; in spite of the fact that He is all we need. Imagine the type of people we'd be if we were constantly living the truth that an intimacy with Him is sweeter than anything in the world; that THAT is all we need in life; that THAT is our bread and our drink; and that THAT is the source of our strength. We'd win the world over in no time.

Having shared all this, I know that it was His grace to reveal this to me (i.e. "flesh and blood has not made this known...") His grace to encourage me when my stomach and heart was failing. I'm scared I'll forget... but I have to remember that though the feeling fade and the high go away, the God who deserved to be praised in the midst of food poisoning deserves praise in times of promotion and success or loss and weakness. What a freedom it brings to realize that He is constant and likewise, deserves the same response from us. How it frees us from thinking we need to work for His favor.. we do not need to "twist His arm" in order to get what we want. We need to be "twisted back" to see what we need. It is Him, it is Him, it is Him.

Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.