Esteemed

Hating my self
A gain or a vice?
Pride's false humility
Never felt so nice

Putting me down
Just to raise me up
The thoughts that hound
Deplete this love cup

Where is the confidence?
Where did he go?
Avoiding my arrogance
Brought me down this low

Who is there to save?
Who will relieve?
Anxiety's dark cave
And Self Pity's reprieve...

You came to me
It was You who pursued
You bent the knee
And then You understood

Please turn my eyes
From my sin and my shame
Away from these lies
To Your greatness and fame

Help me to see
That compassion abounds
Help me to need
That your grace may astound

Authenticity

I used to run every day... like, everyday every day. It's been over two years since then, but somehow, I still think that I should be able to run every day. Of course, the added pounds, torn ligaments and IT band problems don't think so.

While attempting to work out today, it occurred to me that I wasn't very authentic when it comes to exercising. I throw in a couple half pull-ups in order to pretend that doing 15 is not a problem. I'd rather jerk and break my back doing a semblance of bicep curls then go five pounds lighter and actually do them properly. I guess the appearance of strength is better than strength. Reality however, is something of a _____. The scale isn't always broken; added pounds are more than what I ate last night.

Less you think I'm bulimic, the point is that my lack of authenticity pervades all areas of my life. I am not as patient as I think - the one, two, five people I am annoyed with all have one thing in common - me. I am not as organized, not as holy, not as loving, smart, aware... you get the point.

Unfortunately, we've learned from a very young age that weakness is unacceptable. It is better to fake strength, then be authentically weak. Kids mask manipulation with feigned obedience; adults do so with Facebook, ALT+Tab and living vicariously through the stories of others. It is so hard to find authenticity.

Even in Christian circles, we tend to extend this "sick cycle carousel." We praise certain traits, avoid others and keep silent when honest confrontation is the most loving thing to do. All the while, we split individuals and preach a brand of works theology that keeps most of us stuck for life.

Authenticity is painful. It is also hard work. It is easier to keep up the lie that I am strong (despite the evidence), then admit weakness and do the work of improvement. No? We readily admit that we "lost our temper," as if it weren't ours, but grimace at the thought that maybe we have an anger problem. How hard is that to say? I have an anger problem. I control too much, lack self control, am ridiculously selfish... I am weak.

But isn't that where God meets us? He meets us, not the us we want to be. If it weren't for the grace of God, feigned strength would be the only way out. Taking a page from Paul Miller's "A Praying Life", cynicism is the perfect example of weakness disguised as knowing strength. We might not agree with House that "everybody lies," but that attitude of cynicism as the underlying truth is where self-reliance and feigned strength takes us! If not for the grace of God, cynicism or flat-out denial is the only option.

I love how the ESV translates Romans 5:6 - " For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly." How beautiful is that? We often need to see truth from thousands of angles before our vision clears.

I don't like making absolute statements, but I believe that God does not meet us unless we are authentic. He can definitely lead us there, but growth only comes when we - rested in the grace of God - begin to see ourselves as we are, repent and replace. Change doesn't come from striving, or positive thinking... it is something that God alone can do, and the amazing thing is that He wants us involved. US, not us in five years, us when we feel 100%, us after grad school or marriage... simply US.

Thank God. As David Benner puts it in "The Gift of Being Yourself," self-knowledge is impossible without God knowledge. This is an excerpt from the book:

In Christian Spiritual transformation the self that embarks on the journey is not the self that arrives. The self that begins the spiritual journey is the self of our own creation, the self we thought ourselves to be. This is the self that dies on the journey. The self that arrives is the self that was loved into existence by Divine Love. This is the person we were destined from eternity to become - the I that is hidden in the "I Am."

"I Want What is Mine"

My need to be righteous will cause me to focus on the faults of others instead of being aware of my own spiritual need.

My need to be self-sufficient will keep me from depending upon the Spirit and recognizing the need I have for others.

My need to be in control will keep me from surrendering to the Spirit's leading.

My need to be right will keep me from yielding to a better idea.

My concern for my "reputation" will keep me from being a servant.

The demands of my methods or style may keep me from being able to give.

My felt need to protect my time, talent, treasure, will keep me from self-denial and the spiritual power that can be found there.

My need to be served will keep me from finding the joy of service.

My striving for "success" will keep me from making others successful.

Where there has been disappointment and the feeling of failure, when we return to the Father, that pain is transformed into greater intimacy with Him. Our perspective on life and our role in it is liberated from the tyranny of "what is mine" so that we can embrace more of what is God's.

- Dr. Geoff Gorush

Rational

We often have no idea what the "right" thing is. If we do know, we usually don't follow. The "right" thing sounds pretty ridiculous at times, and why wouldn't it? When it comes to various sins and temptations, we are told things like "flee", "pluck out your eye" and "do not let the sun go down on your anger."

If you stop listening to yourself and our culture for a moment, do any of these commands actually make sense? Isn't fleeing an admission of weakness? Ravi Zacharias told a story of a young man who threw his key out of a front-locked hotel room, to avoid the "temptations of the night." Why the extreme measure?

Why not?

I think we believe ourselves stronger than we are. To think of it, were we that strong... would we need a savior?

To need a savior admits weakness. It is transference of trust based on our inability. And yet, we don't listen to this savior. We play with fire and are surprised when we get burned. We blame our parents, schooling, friends, etc. for our failures - needing an explanation for our failures. Any explanation, apart from our sin, to calm our conscience and feed our pride.

Nonetheless... any solution, apart from the gospel's address of sin, will only strengthen the problem - our self, our sin. God is not just rational, He is (as Pastor Ed puts it) "super-rational." I know my inability; I know my sin; I know my limits and by God's grace, I will know His ways. There isn't always a logical explanation for obedience, but the God who assembled my eyes, nervous system and fingers is more than trustworthy to be obeyed.

The hard work of obedience cannot be predicated on self-reward. If it were, God would be means to an end. The hard work of obedience must first of all, be birthed from a full awareness of our weakness and God's transcendent power and holiness. Secondly, obedience must be a response of faith to God's mercy and grace. Obedience that is not convinced of complete forgiveness is unbelief.

Even when it sounds ridiculous and impractical, obedience is borne from a heart of love that is fully convinced that His ways are much, much higher than ours.

Care

If you really care
Then why break me
Why not leave me be
Let the world and life forsake me

Why intervene
Why chastise, correct, instruct
Let me be alone
Let me determine my own luck

You always pursue
I just can't reason why
I want you to stop
To find justice through my eyes

I can't forgive
You love and give away
I can't resist
Yet you tell me I'm ok

I want my way
You gently open my hands
Pushing others away
You slowly reshape my plan

My way is wrong
My heart set on selfish gain
It's only Your love
That fully answers my sin and shame

Is it possible?
That You saw all this before me
That you meant good
Even though pain is all I see?

I see in part
So now I hate and complain
You've seen in whole
And yet Your love for me remains

Too Much

Pour myself out
A pail with no end
Keep giving more
Won't lose you my friend

Too much of nothing
Drowning the soul
Not just for me
But all whom I hold

A broken cup
Can only be filled
On calvary
Through the blood that He spilled

Pity

I have a few friends that I tend to pity. Friends who, when mentioned, provoke responses of "I feel bad for them....", "Do they know that they..." or even, "We have to pray for so and so, because..." When I investigate my heart, I find that much of my pity is akin to the elder brother mentality in the parable of the prodigal son.

In my "pity", I compare myself with another and glory in the betterment of my standards applied to their lives. How do I know this true? There have been countless times where God has worked and changed the lives of people I once felt bad for. Instead of praising His mercy and grace, I find myself uncomfortable, angry and jealous. The basis of righteousness (i.e. the betterment of my standards) is threatened, and all my "work" seems pointless; God does not appear fair.

If we only knew the full extent of being "hidden in Christ." We enjoy delighting in the benefit of being God's children, but do we know that it also means we are no longer our own? We are not the god of our lives anymore, and all such "pity", "feel bad for" and jealous envy is nothing but foolishness. God's love is not mutually exclusive; He shows no favoritism.

In light of, or rather because of my foolishness, I am thankful to God that He gives more, more and more grace.

"Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found." Luke 15:31b-32

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 4: 1-2, 6-8

Choices

I give you so much weight
As if making you made me
I'll turn away from passive fate
For there's much that I can't see

I admit, you are a big deal
But not to define or secure
In you I find a proof of a seal
In God no less, no more

Harsh

I see two dynamics with people who are unusually harsh on themselves:
1) Pride: They think they deserve better, or ought to have done better
2) Fear: Fearful that, were they not as hard on themselves, they would end up either lazy or judged

"If I am this harsh on myself, people cannot be any harsher on me. I am safe." Paradox is, the God who created you, knows you fully and loves you, is not that harsh on you. And in His providence, you are safe.

The solution is not to be nicer to yourself or to love yourself more... It is to understand that the God who knows you fully - better than you know yourself - has already accepted you in Christ. In spite of all the evidence contrary and all the reasons for Him to not love you, He loves you anyway. You are hidden in Him.

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12

He Will

Related to yesterday's post, this ruminated in my mind today... We often "give it all to God," and expect Him to respond in kind.

In times of anxiety, we "give it all to Him" and anticipate immediate peace. What happens when the feelings of peace avoid us? 1) We complain. 2) We stop trusting. Other times, we want something so badly that we "delight ourselves in the Lord" and wait for Him to give us the desire of our hearts.

Isn't there something wrong with that? How is God not relegated to an all-powerful vending machine? It is scary... rather, it is death to "give it all to God" and stop. No - "so that", "for He will surely", or "in order for Him to". I give it all to Him simply because I cannot.

I cannot stop complaining, I cannot stop envying, I cannot stop feeling angry, anxious or discontented. I don't "give it all to God" in order for Him to heal me. That is secondary. I give it to Him because I cannot. I give up predicting how He will sanctify me. I give up being my own Holy Spirit. I give up, give up, give up.

And yet, I know that He will. I do not know how, nor do I know when, but I know Him. It is this position of humility, which I believe opens the door for God to work as He wills; not as we envision, but beyond what we could ever imagine.

"...but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles." 1 Corinthians 1:23.

Insecure

I had to share these excerpts from Richard Lovelace (so, so true):

"Only a fraction of the present body of professing Christians are solidly appropriating the justifying work of Christ in their lives. Many have so light an apprehension of God’s holiness and of the extent and guilt of their sin that consciously they see little need for justification, although below the surface of their lives they are deeply guilt-ridden and insecure. Many others have a theoretical commitment to this doctrine, but in their day-to-day existence they rely on their sanctification for their justification… drawing their assurance of acceptance with God from their sincerity, their past experience of conversion, their recent religious performance or the relative infrequency of their conscious, willful disobedience. Few know enough to start each day with a thoroughgoing stand upon Luther’s platform: you are accepted, looking outward in faith and claiming the wholly alien righteousness of Christ as the only ground for acceptance, relaxing in that quality of trust which will produce increasing sanctification as faith is active in love and gratitude…

Christians who are no longer sure that God loves and accepts them in Jesus, apart from their present spiritual achievements, are subconsciously radically insecure persons — much less secure than non-Christians, because of the constant bulletins they receive from their Christian environment about the holiness of God and the righteousness they are supposed to have. Their insecurity shows itself in pride, a fierce, defensive assertion of their own righteousness and defensive criticism of others. They come naturally to hate other cultural styles and other races in order to bolster their own security and discharge their suppressed anger. They cling desperately to legal, pharisaical righteousness, but envy, jealousy and other branches on the tree of sin grow out of their fundamental insecurity…"

Richard Lovelace, The Dynamics of Spiritual Life ( Downers Grove, Ill.:IVP, 1979)

Two Types of Faith

"There are two, and only two, types of faith: The one from the fact that I trust someone... the other from the fact that I acknowledge something to be true." - Martin Buber

According to Buber, religious faith involves either trusting God or believing in a revealed truth. I am very good at the latter. I wholeheartedly believe that Jesus was born of a virgin birth, died on the cross, rose on the third day, etc. The former? Not so good.

But isn't that the reason Jesus came? Isn't that the primary takeaway of both the Old and New Testaments? In reconciling us to the Father, Christ paved the way for us to trust in a person. To trust in a person as real as you and me; in an all-powerful, yet personable God and His mercy. Christ is both the reason and the source for this trust; God cannot disown himself.

I want to trust God this way - unconditional trust that overshadows fact, logic, truth, belief, reason and emotion.

Forgiveness

Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins behind your back.

Isaiah 38:17

Believe

It is hard work to believe what is already true. I am more convinced of that each day. While I pay verbal assent to my identity as God's child, I'm more likely to be affected by a positive performance review or a cutting slight.

This is a quote from John Bunyan, author of The Pilgrim's Progress: "Run for heaven, fight for heaven, labor for heaven, wrestle for heaven, or you are like to go without it... He that undertakes to believe, sets upon the hardest task that ever was proposed to man... believing is sweating work."

Such believing is especially hard during the "dark night of the soul," when hope evades us and nothing seems to comfort. It does help for me to frame the fight as not one to earn righteousness or approval, or add to anything... it is a fight to believe what is already true. It is a fight of faith - to hold on to something we did not procure and rest in something we are in no way responsible for.

Performance

Received this from a mentor at work. Must say, it's quite da hilarious:

"You know, one day somebody is going to say you did a less than an exception job. And I’m going to be there to kick you while you’re down. Just kidding..."

Humility

Humility is not self-hatred or lack of self confidence. Humility is the ability to see oneself, and this world, through God’s eyes. A humble man increasingly sees himself as he really is; “wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked” (Rev. 3:17). Ironically, this humility lays the sure foundation for real contentment, confidence, and accurate self-knowledge. By contrast, pride is spiritual blindness. And pride is that to which we are most blind. Pride is a demonic Catch 22, causing us to chase our spiritual tails. I could not see my pride because I was full of it. Pride, a spiritual veil, blinds us to the truth about ourselves. C.S. Lewis wrote, “There is no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves…. If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.”2 Here is the great paradox: the proud man thinks he is humble; the humble man thinks he is proud.

- "Finding Intimacy with God" by William Farley

Faithless

"...if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."

2 Timothy 2:13

Timothy is my favorite Bible character. He's not a Paul, David or Moses, but there's something very refreshing about his consistency, quiet support and "underdog" type personality.

I never noticed 2 Timothy 2:13 till recently, when my heart could no longer find any certainty in its faithfulness. Maybe that's one of the key purposes of God's word - bringing us to a deep, unarguable conviction that God is true / we are liars. Our hearts are deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9); our righteousness as filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6); our flesh - constant "idol factories" dedicated to our own glory. Were WE the full story or the basis for goodness, salvation would always be a doubt.

But "thanks be to God" (Romans 6:17) - we were saved by faith alone, by grace alone.

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. Everything in me screams for certainty; for proof that I am not as bad as I think, that I deserve to be loved, that I, that I, that I... Why else would the cross be foolishness and a stumbling block to those who do not believe?

The cross humbles us. Our condition is worse than we could ever imagine. For me, this half of the truth is not hard to comprehend. Our status as sinners is empirically, the easiest proven fact. If we just focus on this half of the truth however, we are left with shame, guilt and an insurmountable task of paying our limitless penance.

Truth. Through the cross, we are reconciled to God (Romans 5:10). By faith, we are spared from proving, from losing, from deserving, from earning, from, from... By faith. "...if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."

I do not think that Paul means - if we do not have faith, but rather - during the times our faith wanes and falters we do not need to be disheartened. We are reminded that our hope is Christ alone - even when we are faithless. What is our hope for salvation, for life, for freedom? It is the very fact that God cannot disown himself.

What Christ did on the cross removes the need for us to earn; for us to be perfect; for us to prove our worth or righteousness. Take ME out of the picture. I moved away from righteousness, but HE sought me. I pray that this truth finds its home in my heart.

Hold On

The pain inside
Nobody knows
A tired smile
As darkness grows
Happy faces, now escape me
Hidden by the hurt within
Can't explain this, can't deny this
No one shares this suffering

I'm all alone
No place to go
My tears my friend
My sleep my home
Fighting upstream, nothing changes
Keep my head, above this flood
Feeling hopeless, faithless, worthless,
How can I be finally free

Hold on to God
He is a rock
He knows you sorrows, He knows your pain
He won't reject you
He won't despise
Beckons you come
In your guilt and your shame



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Forgiveness

As professing believers, we are usually convinced that we've forgiven the bulk of people in our lives. We ignore the pangs of bitterness when a specific individual's name is mentioned, or the replays in our mind of what we could and should have said. We rationalize that it is only normal, that we don't have to "like" everyone, that we are solely accountable to God and not to others. Meanwhile, our heart harbors hatred, hypocrisy, pride and a desire for justice. Where is our witness? How are we light? Are we not just walking in blindness (1 John 2:1-11)?

When it comes to loving others, forgiveness must be one of the primary topics. Forgiveness is supernatural; there is no motivating factor that can counter the greatest wrongs but the love of Christ. It is impossible to hold a grudge against another, when your grudge against another is deemed worse but forgiven. Yet, we still hang on to justice. We require justice, not realizing that - were justice applied to us - we'd be the first ones convicted by our standards. Boundaries are good and proper, but they are never an excuse to bypass love. How hard is it for us to say sorry? How hard is it for us to accept sorry?

Reconciliation is not always a possibility, but forgiveness always is. There are a lot of sermons and books out there about forgiveness, many focusing on the parable of the unfaithful servant (Matthew 18), the command to forgive "seventy times seven" times, and Jesus' words about Mary (Luke 7:36-50). While forgiveness starts at the heart, it is helpful to have practical means to expose the areas of unforgiveness in our lives and hearts... and, more importantly, allow the light of Christ to shine in those areas. I've found the following 6 steps from one of Pastor Ed's sermons extremely helpful:

1. Acknowledge Your hurt
1. "I've been hurt" - Rather than bashing the person, state "I've been hurt"
2. Path to forgiveness starts with vulnerability
2. List specific offenses
1. May bring up old pains, but is necessary
   
3. Give yourself to God
1. Throw yourself to God (Job 1:21 - the Lord gives and takes away)
2. Either something has been taken away from us; or something we expect to have has not been given (or both). We are to surrender to God even the right to these things; remember, the Lord gave, the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord
3. Focus is now on the Lord
   
4. Re-Framing: See the offender in the way God sees the person
1. Forgiveness: Two human beings, seeing each other in need of help (new light)
2. Person who perpetrated the hurt has themselves been hurt
3. Pray for the offender
   
5. Confess your sins to God: Critical spirit, judgmental spirit, anger, resentment, revenge (ask forgiveness as God reveals it to you)
6. Follow-Up: Forgiveness is not just a one-off deal
   
1. Forgiveness is a journey and an event
2. Forgiveness makes the pain decrease, not disappear
3. Forgiveness is like letting go of the string on a bell; bell still ringing, but will stop (letting go of a string is start of journey)
   
4. Hurt is there -> Each time, we ask God to help us make choice to road of freedom -> New forgiveness

He ends it by countering two popular myths:

1. I've already forgiven: Forgiveness is a journey
2. Forgive and forget: This is not a biblical notion
   
1. When you think of the incident and it hurts you, realize that forgiveness is a journey
2. Do NOT let this make you feel guilt
3. God is looking for a certain kind of forgiveness: Brokeness - even though all these happen, I don't understand. I lay hold of the fact that You are God, You are faithful, You will bring it to past.

It is a lot easier to forgive when we believe that God is good, God is in control, and God will bring it to past (i.e. He is always with us, He will started the work He completed, He has plans to prosper us, etc.).

Without Jesus, Nothing

I think the self-esteem movement is firmly implanted in the church, disguising itself as our recognition of God's love and view of us without the most important factor... Jesus. I say this as a full indictment of my thoughts, and the very words I've told myself and others as encouragement. While it may be the lesser of two evils (i.e. I am dirt, I am worthless, etc.), it does nothing to bring about true obedience and spiritual vitality.

We often tell people suffering with low self-worth a number of truths:

• God loves you and sees you as special/unique/one out of a million
• God sees you as His son/daughter
• God sees you as perfectly righteous
• God sees you as whole, you no longer need to perform
• You are secure in God

While all of that is true, it is incomplete. And that incompleteness is an obstacle for true spiritual growth and maturity.

For example, if we leave Jesus out of it... God sees me as perfectly righteous. That must mean I am righteous. But I still sin. I must be doing something wrong. I must not be having enough faith that He sees me as righteous. I must not be confessing enough, praying enough, etc. Where is the security?

The truth is, God sees all of our sin. He is not surprised when we swear, allow our anger to consume us or ignore the hurting. In fact, those very sins prove His point - we are in desperate need of a savior. The self-esteem movement of: "I'm unique, special, righteous, etc." is partially true, but misses the point! I am perfectly righteous because I am now hidden in Christ.

God no longer sees me as me, myself and I. If He did, I'd be responsible for proving my righteousness - an impossible task. God sees me as hidden in Christ, the perfect lamb that was slain for my sins. Yes, this takes away our control. It humbles us. It proves that we are unable. It proves we were given something we could never have earned.

But how comforting is that? God now sees me in the light of Christ. And because of that, all of the above is true. I am a co-heir of Christ; I am accepted and loved; I am a son of God. How paradoxical that this security arrives, not so much from repeating the mantra of "I am unique", but from recognizing my utter inability to be righteous, good, etc. and clinging on to the one who is righteous, good, etc. in confession and humility. The more we realize our sins and limitations (through His spirit), the more our hearts should rejoice in the truth of the Gospel. We are no longer our own. We were bought with a price. That, and that alone is what allows us to claim the promises of God.