Two Types of Faith

"There are two, and only two, types of faith: The one from the fact that I trust someone... the other from the fact that I acknowledge something to be true." - Martin Buber

According to Buber, religious faith involves either trusting God or believing in a revealed truth. I am very good at the latter. I wholeheartedly believe that Jesus was born of a virgin birth, died on the cross, rose on the third day, etc. The former? Not so good.

But isn't that the reason Jesus came? Isn't that the primary takeaway of both the Old and New Testaments? In reconciling us to the Father, Christ paved the way for us to trust in a person. To trust in a person as real as you and me; in an all-powerful, yet personable God and His mercy. Christ is both the reason and the source for this trust; God cannot disown himself.

I want to trust God this way - unconditional trust that overshadows fact, logic, truth, belief, reason and emotion.

Forgiveness

Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.
In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins behind your back.

Isaiah 38:17

Believe

It is hard work to believe what is already true. I am more convinced of that each day. While I pay verbal assent to my identity as God's child, I'm more likely to be affected by a positive performance review or a cutting slight.

This is a quote from John Bunyan, author of The Pilgrim's Progress: "Run for heaven, fight for heaven, labor for heaven, wrestle for heaven, or you are like to go without it... He that undertakes to believe, sets upon the hardest task that ever was proposed to man... believing is sweating work."

Such believing is especially hard during the "dark night of the soul," when hope evades us and nothing seems to comfort. It does help for me to frame the fight as not one to earn righteousness or approval, or add to anything... it is a fight to believe what is already true. It is a fight of faith - to hold on to something we did not procure and rest in something we are in no way responsible for.

Performance

Received this from a mentor at work. Must say, it's quite da hilarious:

"You know, one day somebody is going to say you did a less than an exception job. And I’m going to be there to kick you while you’re down. Just kidding..."

Humility

Humility is not self-hatred or lack of self confidence. Humility is the ability to see oneself, and this world, through God’s eyes. A humble man increasingly sees himself as he really is; “wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked” (Rev. 3:17). Ironically, this humility lays the sure foundation for real contentment, confidence, and accurate self-knowledge. By contrast, pride is spiritual blindness. And pride is that to which we are most blind. Pride is a demonic Catch 22, causing us to chase our spiritual tails. I could not see my pride because I was full of it. Pride, a spiritual veil, blinds us to the truth about ourselves. C.S. Lewis wrote, “There is no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves…. If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.”2 Here is the great paradox: the proud man thinks he is humble; the humble man thinks he is proud.

- "Finding Intimacy with God" by William Farley

Faithless

"...if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."

2 Timothy 2:13

Timothy is my favorite Bible character. He's not a Paul, David or Moses, but there's something very refreshing about his consistency, quiet support and "underdog" type personality.

I never noticed 2 Timothy 2:13 till recently, when my heart could no longer find any certainty in its faithfulness. Maybe that's one of the key purposes of God's word - bringing us to a deep, unarguable conviction that God is true / we are liars. Our hearts are deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9); our righteousness as filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6); our flesh - constant "idol factories" dedicated to our own glory. Were WE the full story or the basis for goodness, salvation would always be a doubt.

But "thanks be to God" (Romans 6:17) - we were saved by faith alone, by grace alone.

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. Everything in me screams for certainty; for proof that I am not as bad as I think, that I deserve to be loved, that I, that I, that I... Why else would the cross be foolishness and a stumbling block to those who do not believe?

The cross humbles us. Our condition is worse than we could ever imagine. For me, this half of the truth is not hard to comprehend. Our status as sinners is empirically, the easiest proven fact. If we just focus on this half of the truth however, we are left with shame, guilt and an insurmountable task of paying our limitless penance.

Truth. Through the cross, we are reconciled to God (Romans 5:10). By faith, we are spared from proving, from losing, from deserving, from earning, from, from... By faith. "...if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself."

I do not think that Paul means - if we do not have faith, but rather - during the times our faith wanes and falters we do not need to be disheartened. We are reminded that our hope is Christ alone - even when we are faithless. What is our hope for salvation, for life, for freedom? It is the very fact that God cannot disown himself.

What Christ did on the cross removes the need for us to earn; for us to be perfect; for us to prove our worth or righteousness. Take ME out of the picture. I moved away from righteousness, but HE sought me. I pray that this truth finds its home in my heart.

Hold On

The pain inside
Nobody knows
A tired smile
As darkness grows
Happy faces, now escape me
Hidden by the hurt within
Can't explain this, can't deny this
No one shares this suffering

I'm all alone
No place to go
My tears my friend
My sleep my home
Fighting upstream, nothing changes
Keep my head, above this flood
Feeling hopeless, faithless, worthless,
How can I be finally free

Hold on to God
He is a rock
He knows you sorrows, He knows your pain
He won't reject you
He won't despise
Beckons you come
In your guilt and your shame



Download Song

Forgiveness

As professing believers, we are usually convinced that we've forgiven the bulk of people in our lives. We ignore the pangs of bitterness when a specific individual's name is mentioned, or the replays in our mind of what we could and should have said. We rationalize that it is only normal, that we don't have to "like" everyone, that we are solely accountable to God and not to others. Meanwhile, our heart harbors hatred, hypocrisy, pride and a desire for justice. Where is our witness? How are we light? Are we not just walking in blindness (1 John 2:1-11)?

When it comes to loving others, forgiveness must be one of the primary topics. Forgiveness is supernatural; there is no motivating factor that can counter the greatest wrongs but the love of Christ. It is impossible to hold a grudge against another, when your grudge against another is deemed worse but forgiven. Yet, we still hang on to justice. We require justice, not realizing that - were justice applied to us - we'd be the first ones convicted by our standards. Boundaries are good and proper, but they are never an excuse to bypass love. How hard is it for us to say sorry? How hard is it for us to accept sorry?

Reconciliation is not always a possibility, but forgiveness always is. There are a lot of sermons and books out there about forgiveness, many focusing on the parable of the unfaithful servant (Matthew 18), the command to forgive "seventy times seven" times, and Jesus' words about Mary (Luke 7:36-50). While forgiveness starts at the heart, it is helpful to have practical means to expose the areas of unforgiveness in our lives and hearts... and, more importantly, allow the light of Christ to shine in those areas. I've found the following 6 steps from one of Pastor Ed's sermons extremely helpful:

1. Acknowledge Your hurt
1. "I've been hurt" - Rather than bashing the person, state "I've been hurt"
2. Path to forgiveness starts with vulnerability
2. List specific offenses
1. May bring up old pains, but is necessary
   
3. Give yourself to God
1. Throw yourself to God (Job 1:21 - the Lord gives and takes away)
2. Either something has been taken away from us; or something we expect to have has not been given (or both). We are to surrender to God even the right to these things; remember, the Lord gave, the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord
3. Focus is now on the Lord
   
4. Re-Framing: See the offender in the way God sees the person
1. Forgiveness: Two human beings, seeing each other in need of help (new light)
2. Person who perpetrated the hurt has themselves been hurt
3. Pray for the offender
   
5. Confess your sins to God: Critical spirit, judgmental spirit, anger, resentment, revenge (ask forgiveness as God reveals it to you)
6. Follow-Up: Forgiveness is not just a one-off deal
   
1. Forgiveness is a journey and an event
2. Forgiveness makes the pain decrease, not disappear
3. Forgiveness is like letting go of the string on a bell; bell still ringing, but will stop (letting go of a string is start of journey)
   
4. Hurt is there -> Each time, we ask God to help us make choice to road of freedom -> New forgiveness

He ends it by countering two popular myths:

1. I've already forgiven: Forgiveness is a journey
2. Forgive and forget: This is not a biblical notion
   
1. When you think of the incident and it hurts you, realize that forgiveness is a journey
2. Do NOT let this make you feel guilt
3. God is looking for a certain kind of forgiveness: Brokeness - even though all these happen, I don't understand. I lay hold of the fact that You are God, You are faithful, You will bring it to past.

It is a lot easier to forgive when we believe that God is good, God is in control, and God will bring it to past (i.e. He is always with us, He will started the work He completed, He has plans to prosper us, etc.).

Without Jesus, Nothing

I think the self-esteem movement is firmly implanted in the church, disguising itself as our recognition of God's love and view of us without the most important factor... Jesus. I say this as a full indictment of my thoughts, and the very words I've told myself and others as encouragement. While it may be the lesser of two evils (i.e. I am dirt, I am worthless, etc.), it does nothing to bring about true obedience and spiritual vitality.

We often tell people suffering with low self-worth a number of truths:

• God loves you and sees you as special/unique/one out of a million
• God sees you as His son/daughter
• God sees you as perfectly righteous
• God sees you as whole, you no longer need to perform
• You are secure in God

While all of that is true, it is incomplete. And that incompleteness is an obstacle for true spiritual growth and maturity.

For example, if we leave Jesus out of it... God sees me as perfectly righteous. That must mean I am righteous. But I still sin. I must be doing something wrong. I must not be having enough faith that He sees me as righteous. I must not be confessing enough, praying enough, etc. Where is the security?

The truth is, God sees all of our sin. He is not surprised when we swear, allow our anger to consume us or ignore the hurting. In fact, those very sins prove His point - we are in desperate need of a savior. The self-esteem movement of: "I'm unique, special, righteous, etc." is partially true, but misses the point! I am perfectly righteous because I am now hidden in Christ.

God no longer sees me as me, myself and I. If He did, I'd be responsible for proving my righteousness - an impossible task. God sees me as hidden in Christ, the perfect lamb that was slain for my sins. Yes, this takes away our control. It humbles us. It proves that we are unable. It proves we were given something we could never have earned.

But how comforting is that? God now sees me in the light of Christ. And because of that, all of the above is true. I am a co-heir of Christ; I am accepted and loved; I am a son of God. How paradoxical that this security arrives, not so much from repeating the mantra of "I am unique", but from recognizing my utter inability to be righteous, good, etc. and clinging on to the one who is righteous, good, etc. in confession and humility. The more we realize our sins and limitations (through His spirit), the more our hearts should rejoice in the truth of the Gospel. We are no longer our own. We were bought with a price. That, and that alone is what allows us to claim the promises of God.

Crushed

Sometimes, a single word captures the essence of an experience more than a sentence, paragraph or novel. Or a thoughtful nod... more support and encouragement than a dissertation on grace. Or a song... more emotion and pain than I could ever express.

The past few months have been extremely dark. Near the start of it, a friend mentioned: "When we ask Christ to change us, he doesn't just add a little maturity here, or a little spirituality there... Often times, he brings a wrecking ball to our lives."

I am convinced that God is interested in nothing less than our conforming to the image of His son. If we ask Him to enter our lives, we must be willing to trust in spite of the sufferings that will come our way. I would not wish this experience on anyone, but there've been many treasures in this darkness (Isaiah 45:3), which I believe will continue to belong to me as I persevere" in them and not just pay them mental assent.

"Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers." (1 Timothy 4:15-16)

Strangely enough, one of the sources of encouragement during this time has been through the weirdest of mediums: Rage Against the Machine and Chevelle. For those who know me, this is not typical... Until recently, I never understood why I was always drawn to bands like Linkin Park, RATM, Chevelle, Saving Benjamin, etc. In short, they expressed something I couldn't. I agree that not all of it is beneficial, but feelings like anger, fear, sadness, etc. are indications of something amiss. When sent below and not dealt with, they fester and can produce all sorts of maladies in our soul.

Giving thanks, not allowing the sun go down to our anger, turning the other cheek, etc. cannot be taken to mean "suck it up." We were created to live, feel and own ourselves (i.e. self-control) not by not-feeling, but by learning how to trust God in the face of these feelings. Or rather, "when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent" (Psalm 4:4b). He is God, we are not, and there is joy and peace in realizing and relinquishing our utter weakness, sinfulness and stubbornness (Deuteronomy 29:29).

I don't think I can be happy about this time of suffering, but I am thankful for the path its pushed me towards. "It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees" (Psalm 119:71). When it comes down to it, the person of God is the answer. None of our clever arguments or self-flatulation can earn an inch more of righteousness. When Christ died, he took the penalty for our sins, the power of our sin (over us) and the effect of our sins (guilt and shame). Where best to know the person of God than in the full, bodily representation of God - Jesus Christ? Where best to know Christ than in the word?

"The sermon and the Spirit always work in combination to pronounce liberation. Sometimes the Spirit and sermon do supply direct answers to human need but most often they answer indirectly. The sermon no matter how sincere cannot solve these
unsolvable problems. Rather, together with the Spirit the sermon exists to point out that having answers is not essential to living. What is essential is the sense of God’s presence during dark seasons of questioning. Our need for specific answers is dissolved in the greater issue of the Lordship of Christ over all questions-those that have answers and those that don’t."

Looking forward to sharing more...

Don't Want to Go Through the Motions

I'm a sucker for passionate/conviction songs...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaHmiFaX_pk&NR=1

Not Faith in Faith

But Faith in God. This theme has come up more than once of late, and I am struck by its simplicity yet truth. It's not the size or forcefulness of our faith, it is the strength and awesomeness of our God.

Ran into this article recently, and thought it'd be a good one to share. Enjoy!

Mustard-Seed Faith (A Fresh Look at Matthew 17:20)
by Rev Edmund Chan

It was a most embarrassing situation. The disciples were confronted
with something that left them feeling both powerless and helpless. It
shouldn't have been like that. Not in God's economy. But it was.
And it had left these apostles-in-training most confounded. It was
something that they just couldn't understand.

OUT OF THEIR COMFORT ZONE
A young lad was tormented by a demon. It was severe. He was
tormented to the point of insanity. He would throw himself into the
fire. He would throw himself in the water. He would have been burnt
or drowned to death if not for the vigilance of his concerned
caregivers. In vain his family had tried to help him.

Finally, the desperate father had brought this demonized son to the
disciples of Jesus.

There was a desperate and urgent cry for deliverance. Jesus wasn't
around. And if we take Matthew 17:1-13 as the immediate historical
context, then Peter, James and John (the inner circle of disciples)
weren't there as well. They were with Jesus at the Mount of
Transfiguration. The helpless disciples were left to fend for
themselves. They tried to cast out the demon.

Nothing happened. They were out of their depth.

They had done everything by the book. And yet nothing happened. And
we observe that it was not for lack of trying. They had tried
valiantly but failed miserably. They were totally out of their
comfort zone. Moreover, it wasn't a new situation for them. They had
done it before. They had seen demons cast out before and would no
doubt have participated in some of these deliverances. It had worked
then. But it was not working now.

Nothing happened. Until Jesus came.

With divine authority, He cast out the demon! The son was delivered.
The father was grateful. The public was awed. And the disciples were
astonished. And they had a burning question for Jesus. They waited
till the Master was alone. Out of the public limelight, they came
privately to Jesus to find out why they had failed so badly (Matt
17:19). Why Lord? Why could we not cast out the demon?

THE HEART OF THE PROBLEM
Jesus put His finger on something of utmost importance. Not his
diagnosis. Jesus did not say, "Your technique is wrong." The problem
wasn't one of methodology.

Nor did Jesus say, "You simply didn't try hard enough." The problem
wasn't one of diligence. Nor one of perseverance. Nor did Jesus say,
"Because you are not smart enough." The issue wasn't one of
intelligence.

Nor did Jesus say, "Because the demons are too fierce for you." The
issue wasn't the strength of demonic opposition. These things weren't
factored into Jesus' equation.

Rather, Jesus put His finger on the most significant thing. The
central issue was faith. Jesus declared: "Because of the littleness
of your faith" (Matt 17:20). Faith is the currency of heaven. Faith
taps into the power of God. Faith pleases God. Hebrews 11:6 says,
"Without faith it is impossible to please God."

MUSTARD-SEED FAITH
Here's the other thing. Don't miss the twist in Jesus' insightful
mentoring here. Jesus identified the root problem as the "littleness"
of their faith. Yet in the same breath, the Master Mentor said, "If
you have faith as a mustard seed..."

How strange. Jesus circumvented their expectations. And ours as
well.

We would have expected Jesus to say something like: "Because of the
littleness of your faith; if only you had a bigger faith..." Or a
deeper faith. Or a richer faith. OR a fuller faith. No, instead
Jesus said in effect, "If you had faith as a mustard seed, you could
move mountains."

Two figures of speech are employed here. "Small as a mustard seed"
was a common idiom that referred to something unusually small. The
mustard seed was the smallest of the garden seeds known. "Removing
mountains" was a figure of speech for that which is impossible or
incomparably difficult.

If you have faith as a mustard seed (v. 20). Some commentators think
that it refers to the growth potential of the mustard seed, meaning:
"If you had an active growing faith, like the mustard seed that grows,
you would not be baffled thus." Some others think it denotes the size
of the mustard seed: "If you had but a small grain of true faith,
though so little that it were like that which is the least of all
seeds, you could do wonders."

Which is it? Growing like a mustard seed or small like a mustard
seed? Neither.

NOT DIMINUTIVENESS OF FAITH
In hearing of the littleness of their faith (v. 20) the disciples must
have thought to themselves (like many of us would): "Yeah, the issue
is that we did not have enough faith. If only we had more faith!"

That's when Jesus masterfully (in the same breath!) pointed out their
error. He said in effect, "You totally missed it, guys - truly I say
to you, if you had really had true, God-inspired faith - even as small
as a mustard seed - it could do wonders!"

Get this. Jesus was evidently not commenting on the diminutiveness of
their faith but rather, the defectiveness of their faith! It was
compromised by unbelief (v.17)! It was faith in faith itself rather
than faith in God. It was the shallowness of their faith, not the
size of their faith, that was the central issue.

"Faith as a mustard seed" thus suggests that the chief consideration
is not the size of faith but the SIGNIFICANCE of faith. If they had
true faith - the right kind of faith that God would honor - even a
little faith, that would have been enough. True faith, no matter how
small, can do big things.

THE BIG MOUNTAIN OR THE BIG GOD?
The root issue here was not the size of the faith but rather its lack
thereof. There was UNBELIEF in the hearts and minds of the
disciples. They were operating out of their own FEELINGS rather than
on FAITH. They were concerned with how little their faith was in
light of how big the problem seemed.

Don't miss the hyperbolic contrast here. The smallest of faiths (the
mustard seed) is set in contrast with the greatest of obstacles (the
mountain). There's a profound point that Jesus is making with this
striking contrast - size isn't everything - neither the size of the
faith nor even the size of the mountain.

Jesus was formulating for them a vital principle of the kingdom of
God: NOTHING God asks them to do, even the seemingly impossible, will
be impossible if they truly trust Him.

COMING OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE
Another way to state this is simply: BIG God, small problems. Small
god, BIG problems! Which kind of God do we truly worship? A BIG, BIG
God! So, what's the problem?

It is this essential nature of true faith that we must come to terms
with. It is not faith in faith but faith in God. True faith, no
matter how small, can do big things.

Their eyes were upon two things: how great the problem was and how
weak they were to solve the problem. What the disciples failed to do
was to keep their eyes on God. That's what we ought to do when we are
thrown out of our comfort zones.

Indeed, Jesus answered the questioners that day rather than merely the
question. And He did it most memorably. "Faith as a mustard seed,"
He said. Small faith can do big things if it is in a BIG GOD!

Because it is not the greatness of our faith but the greatness of our
God that ultimately matters! It's time to arise from our comfort
zone. Keep your eyes on God! The BIG GOD! And put your faith IN
HIM!

Yes, even a mustard-seed faith.

Psalm 25

Psalm 25:1-8

¹ To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

² in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

³ No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

⁴ Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

⁵ guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

⁶ Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

⁷ Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

The last half of verse 7 is such a beautiful reminder. So often, upon losing my footing and falling, I come before God and repent with a "but".

God, I'm sorry for getting so angry but... I was tired. I'm sorry that I lacked self-control and failed yet again but... you put me in such a hard situation. I'm sorry for not trusting but... why did you seem so far away?

When brought before God, our "buts" and righteousness are as "filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6). We can never be the source of our hope, or the way toward holiness; our hope is not in ourselves or even our personal sanctification, but "according to His love" - as fully revealed in Jesus Christ. It is so interesting that David tells God to not remember his deeds but to remember Him.

Something about that struck at my heart. In the busyness of our everyday lives, we often get caught defining ourselves by the prescriptions of the world; not realizing that God sees past that to find us. I imagine the vindication of a kid being totally accepted by His father. A father who sees past the failures and mistakes and finds worth in him as him. No performance, no guilt... just love. Unconditional and unwarranted love. Where else can we go... You alone.

What a beautiful thing it is to come before God, warts and all, asking him to remember us BECAUSE of Him. I fail, but You are good. It's unconditional, it's unwarranted. Open our eyes and melt our hearts.

I'm not Alright

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immuned, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
Leads me to you
Closer to you
Closer to you
Closer to you

I'm not alright I'm broken inside
Broken inside
I'm broken inside, Broken inside
And all I go through leads me to you
Leads me to you

I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright ... that's why I need you.

- Santus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2LCvCBaqVg)

I stumbled on this song by Sanctus Real. I'm no where near as talented, but it feels as if I wrote this.

Vented

I'm on this initiative to not complain.. about people, weather, flights, etc. But right now, I need to vent. Maybe this will give me a better perspective.. maybe not. I know there is a reason for everything.

• Last night: Supposed to meet a friend for drinks/dinner. Friend lost number. Ate my taco, watched some TV, read, went to bed.
• 3:45 am: Woke up in a weird position. Neck hurts. Can't go back to sleep.
  
• Work day: Fire-fighting (not literal) while half asleep. Wish I wasn't on this project by myself.
• 2:00 pm: Check flight status for 3:15 pm flight. Flight delayed for hour and a half. Scheduled to leave at 4:45 pm, reach NY at 1 a.m. Decide to try finish up more work.
  
• 3:30 pm: Get to airport.
• 3:45 pm: Reach gate and find out that delay was rescinded. Flight was pushed up to 3:40 pm. Watch as staff tell me gate is closed, while I see crew still loading luggage. Watch plane pull away.
  

It's taken me over an hour (and a brief nap), to be calm enough to take out my computer and attempt at being productive. My parents have related numerous stories of God orchestrating situations, even missed flights, for his ultimate glory in the most unforeseen ways. I don't know what the purpose of this small episode is and - as I stood at the gate watching the plane pull out - I must admit that His glory was one of the last things on my mind.

But as I sat down tired, frustrated and sorta defeated, one of my parents' stories came to mind. Things like this happen for a reason.

The past week hasn't been easy; revisited by wounds I long thought healed, dealing with the loneliness of working out here myself, hearing the voices of rejection and inadequacy that spew lies and hopelessness. But before I slept last night, there was a measured peace that God would never leave nor forsake me. That He was in control.

Yes, today wasn't the best of days.. But as I sit here with 4 hours left before I find out if I actually get on the next flight, it is ok. Not because I've found something to do or am confident that I'll get on the next flight, but because He has always provided and today is no different.

Too much of my life is spent figuring out how to point to me. I really appreciate John's post on narcissism and self-love, because - while easy to see in others - it exists all the more in me. Nonetheless, if I am convinced that I am taken care of, then I am set free to live for others and point towards the only One that deserves glory.

As I whined and complained to my sister last night, she reminded me that I had once determined to live for the "Glory and Approval of One." Life definitely throws us curve balls, even when we live faithfully and are obedient to His word. People fail us, as do our plans, schedules and best intentions. But, as God provided for the Israelites in the desert, He provides for us. That we would stop complaining and whining, thinking we deserve a smooth ride because of our actions or past struggles. He knows what is best, and is determined to mine and refine us into a "certain kind".

I am still tired. But now, more than most times, His love is so sweet, so real, so constant. What an awesome God we serve.

Snow White

I was never allergic till three years ago. I blame college and the job search for that, as well as my "I've been in the army" pride (i.e. serves you right). I used to laugh at people with seasonal allergies, thinking it was an ailment for suburbanites whose greatest adventure was six flags. Har har.

But low and behold, I started sniffling and wheezing in the Spring of 2006. Every year since then has been a struggle; eye-drops, anti-histamines, alternative medicines (e.g. apple cider vinegar) and even a seminar... while most families hit the beach in summer, we spent a weekend listening to the link between sin and sickness. My sis and I still talk about the seminar, which sometimes finds its way into our brand of repetitive and immature humor - I admit it. I do think there is a link between stress and immunity/allergies, but... I won't go there.

Anyway, I ate an apple this morning and started to feel my mouth tingle. It felt like someone was flossing each of my teeth individually, but was using a guitar string and not floss. I've never done this, but imagine it would hurt. In any case, my mouth started to swell and the corners of my mouth developed - what felt like - instant cold sores. BTW, all this should clue you into how often I eat fruits and floss. I actually did floss this morning, which was what I thought caused all of this.

But... Thank God for google. I found this interesting link from the Canadian CBC. There's no way to verify this article, but it lines up with what I experienced. It seems like seasonal allergies may translate to "hay fever in your mouth" when eating fruits like apples, pears and oranges.

Well, well.. I think I just found my justification for drinking V8 and eating dried mangoes and yogurt covered raisins as my daily intake of fruits and vegetables. Or eating apple pies. What a great idea.

But for grace...

I haven't been able to, try as I might, think of anything to write. Actually, that's not entirely true. I've been able to think of stuff, but haven't been able to articulate/package it properly. I'll blame my perfectionistic tendencies for this one. Actually, I'm going to blame perfectionism for a lot...

I think perfectionists are prone to extreme behavior, as they live and breathe in a zero-sum framework . Things are either black or white, holy or sinful, etc. You could be having the best of days, only for one change in schedule to mark the day as bad. There's no room for mistakes; no understanding when it comes to making a mistake.

As a kid, I remember wasting reams of paper doing homework because my pen smudged. One smudge, and I'd have to start again. It would frustrate the ~@~ out of me (type that in google-chat), but I felt bound to making sure that everything was perfect. I didn't intend for this post to be seRIous, but... vatever.

I think that's part of why it's been hard for me to write. I kept waiting for something "complete" , but our realizations and reflections are often in part. They are half developed, half baked and in need of community to rectify and validate. But if others are needed, how can I be all "put together"? Oh reputation...

When all is said and done, perfectionism is counter to the Christian faith. We were not expected to be self-sufficient or perfect, and should expect mistakes. Randy Pope, from Perimeter church, had a sermon series on idols in our lives. In it, he cites many Christians as suffering from the idol of self righteousness. What perfectionism tells me is that when I sin, I've let myself, others and God down. What shame... After all, how could I sin? Our standards are then higher than God's. In the first few chapters of Romans, it is clear that we shouldn't be surprised at our sin.

The interesting thing is that, the outworkings of this idol are often praised in Christian circles. There's a weird admiration for OCD, put-together, uber spiritual folk... I'm saying this with a tinge of sarcasm, realizing that being "uber spiritual" is not wrong. And so the cycle continues. We strive for perfection by ourselves, soon realize that Jeremiah 17:9 is true for us, but continue demanding OUR perfection anway.. after all, there's comfort in seeing ourselves as already whole. And of course, others must see me as I see myself. bleh.

Should we really be surprised at our sin? In many ways, sin shows us that we are held solely by God's grace. We are not perfect, and can never attain the very perfection we long for. But the beauty of the gospel is that God KNOWS that. It was for freedom, that Christ set us free (Galations 5:1). We are no longer under law, but under grace. Perfectionism is law... We have to do such and such to be such and such and anything else renders me useless. What a lie!

God's forgiveness removes the need to be on the ball at all times. We are neither all bad nor all good. We simply need Him. It's euphamistically interesting to see people beat themselves up over their misdeeds and faults. And by people, I really mean me. Taking a step back, all I can say is: "Really? Do you really think you were better than this? Stronger than this? Wiser than this?" I re-read a bit of Brother Lawrence's "Practicing the Presence of God", and one of the first things that struck me was his response towards sin. He would bring it before God, ask for God's forgiveness, and not let it bother him. Talk about a life of freedom.

When we finally let go of our perfectionism and get off the high horse, we are able to forgive and truly love others. One of the phrases that has been churning in my head is "but for the grace of God", made famous by the english reformer John Bradford. I'll definitely revisit this, but a great exercise for me has been attaching that phrase to people I'm annoyed with, look down upon, or have a hard time forgiving. Hahaha. That can be horrible if taken out of context. But think about it...

That person is so arrogant. I can't believe they did that. Why would you say something like that? What is your problem? How could you...

But for the grace of God, that's me.

Stepping Forward

Bye

I am leaving you behind
Bid farewell, locked in time

Memories I paid to revisit
Only to stop now, and hesitate

You were my comfort, my safety, my plan
All along, while rejecting His hand

But as I leaned, I couldn't move on
Couldn't accept the dreams that were gone

This crux of a life that I once lived
Was not as pleasant as I had believed

I'm dropping the keys, closing the door
Turning around to look no more

Years a yonder, there's no regret
But only hope and life instead
- 5/25/09

I'm moving apartments this week. I spent a good three years in this apartment, and have to admit that leaving is pretty sad (albeit exciting). For those who haven't noticed, I'm all about the dramatic imagery and moments. I like thinking back to "what was I doing three years ago, to this day, at this hour..." and let the nostalgia flood and, at times, comfort. Key distinction: liking dramatic imagery <> dramatic.

Nonetheless, there's something comforting about that reflection... i.e The "good 'ol days" were so darn good, and I've come so far within that time span. *That past sentence only makes sense in a Southern accent* Yet, there is also something unhealthy about that reflection.

I wrote about this a few weeks ago, but I've struggled of late to not live within the boundaries of the past. As good as it may have been, there were also times of struggle during the past three years. As comforting as my room with an attached bathroom was, how I hated being there at points. As great as my work experience was, how I couldn't bring myself to wake up on certain weekdays... In Isaiah 43:18-19, God's admonition to the Israelites does not belittle the goodness of the past - it highlights the promise of the present.

I am a dweller on the past, constantly letting past achievements and memories comfort and secure me. But all of that is within my control, and I am the king of my planet nostalgia. God's reminder for us is to let go of the past, and let Him define our present. I used to wonder how the Israelites could grumble so much during their 40 years in the wilderness; not only grumble, but clamor for their time of slavery. Isn't that akin to my actions and thoughts?

In holding on to my memories, I (in some ways) am dictating to God how I want my present to play out. By saying this, I am by no means minimizing the importance of learning from the past and allowing time for healing. What I am saying, is that we have to make a decision to let go of our past and its promise in order to fully live in the future.

You hear stories about ex-college football players reflecting on what could've been and what was... or people in the workforce clamoring for the carefree days of college. How amazing would it be if we were excited about today; about what God is doing today, about what He thinks of us today, about how we are changing today, about His provision today.

Yes, the past can be a safe place to live. But it is also a numbing and stagnant place. Safety is in the center of God's plan... moving, living and being in a present-time relationship with Him. I wrote the small blurb above while thinking of closing the doors to my apartment for the last time and in some ways, finishing up a specific and special season of my life (see what I mean about the dramatic imagery). This is hard to honestly articulate, but I must believe that God can and will make the next season even better.

Pray for Nepal

Things are getting pretty bad in Nepal since Maoist leader Prachanda quit as prime minister on May 4. On Saturday, May 23rd, a local church was bombed killing two and injuring 14. Authorities think that the Nepal Defence Army, a Hindu extremist group, is responsible for the bombing.

The country has been rocked by political instability for awhile, and this will only hamper the tourist industry, which accounts for much of Nepal's GDP. Please pray that God keeps His people, and extends His kingdom in the face of persecution.

A Gift

It is such a blessing to have parents who love the Lord... parents whose lives are availed as a gold mine for their children. Other than the right answer of Jesus, my parents have been the greatest "gift" I've been given. Their wisdom has constantly challenged me to consider Christ; their example confirming that God holds to His promises. I would continue to their love, patience, etc. but that would just be mushy and self-serving (Hi Dad, Hi Mom). My parents read this.

In Nepal, one of the greatest take-aways was the preciousness and glory of Christ - seen through the dedication and lives of the believers there. I mentioned this before, but to reiterate.. their zeal was so infectious. I came back convinced that I was GOING to live like them. Nonetheless, the distractions of earthly pleasures and their pursuit grow like thorns, strangling the vibrancy and passion of knowing Christ. It is easy to cynically look at believers in 3rd world countries and claim that it is far easier for them to be dedicated to Him... after all, He is all they have. Yet, He is all we have too.

I started reading Ecclesiastes and I must say, I really resonate with Solomon. He was spot on. All the things we "possess" and work to secure are essentially meaningless; a chasing after the wind. In the midst of this malaise, how refreshing is it to see lives lived in relative comfort with the conviction that, when heaven and earth pass away, Jesus is all we have. We can now BE, knowing that He is all we need and that He came (Romans 8:32). To "seek Him first", and allow the promises of God to hold true.

I am so, so far from understanding or exemplifying. As C.S. Lewis noted, my desires not too strong but rather, too weak. Too easily distracted. Too often defeated. Too seldom living in the promised freedom. Back to the top.. what a blessing and treasure it is to have parents who point and pour out His preciousness to their children. It is truly the best gift they could ever give, and I am truly indebted.

Heart
Cracked by deceit
The mirror gone
My own lies
This image torn

One saw it all
And still accepted
Cured the shame
Now Him reflected

Shine more
Shine pure
Shine
Till all they see is You
- 5/21/2009

Isaiah 43:18-19

I went to court today... Pleaded "no contest" to not stopping before turning right on red. Long story short, I asked the judge a bunch of questions, she kindly told me NO and reduced my fine to leave me with a $300+ picture and some demerit points. I don't know... I think the picture was worth it.

I was pretty irritated with the whole procedure. That one intersection (according to reports), brings in about $500,000 a year from "patient" peeps like myself. It's a great money making mechanism, but probably not a good idea for restaurants on that intersection. That was one expensive burger. At least I got a picture.

Anyway... I'm trying my best to not complain about ANYTHING, and give thanks in all situations (hence my "glee" at the candid and frankly unflattering picture). I think a large part of that, for me at least, is letting go of the past and not revisiting it with regret or reminiscence. My mom shared the following verses with me a while back, reminding me to press on and live in the present. It was so timely.

Isiah 43

¹⁸ "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

As a bit of Mother's Day plug, I must say that my mom is really blessed with these words of wisdom backed by love and compassion. I am a beneficiary. When I was younger, my parents gave me a card that read something along the lines of: when you live in the past with all your regrets, I (God) am not there... when you live in the future, with all of its aspirations and ambitions, I am not there... when you live in the present, I am.

I'll always remember that card. I don't think it's theologically 100%, but it's a great reminder that we were NOT made to live on past memories and accomplishments or future hopes / pleasures. I constantly find myself falling into that trap. Somehow, when you remember the past - EVEN times of suffering - they always seem rosy compared to present sufferings. Army was GREAT, even though I hated being devoured by mosquitoes or sleeping in doo-doo. College was GREAT, even though I struggled with workload/responsibilities/job search... You get the point.

On certain occasions (when I am not picking the log out of my eye), I find myself in conversations where people are constantly complaining. No matter how you frame it, there is always a negative take. If you look carefully at these conversations, there's always an aspect of either: the past was so much better or it's so much better to be in the future. Kids want to be adults, adults want to be kids, college kids want to work, working adults want to study... You name it.

Forget the former things. That is life. If you (I really mean I) stop living in the past, you'll see that God is moving and working in your life in the very present. Do you not perceive it? Take stock of your life. God has never let you down and He never will; His track record is perfect. There is no joy in being a downer and living in the past. He promises us a life of fullness, and that is a life that is trusting Him to take care of us as we embark on this wild adventure. I really wish that I could perceive this in full and be so convinced... yet convicted by my lack of faith. He is making these streams and ways, EVEN in the midst of our deserts and wastelands (yes... even when we refused to listen and stubbornly made our way there).

Oh well. At this point, I have reached the level of shamelessly preaching to myself, and leveraging my expensive picture as fodder for optimism and a timely reminder for joy. I shall stop.

Dream

There are times my mind wanders...

Calf Contusion

Yes, that is what I supposedly have. I got kicked at soccer two weeks ago, and the swelling in my calf has yet to go away. I would post pictures, but nobody wants to see bigfoot (don't ask).

And yes, I spent an hour googling "Calf Bruising", "Calf Kick Pain", "Calf Cannot Walk" along with "Allergies vs. Swine Flu" to find out what was wrong with me. Funny how the cure for all muscle injuries is RICE. Also... I'm lying about the Swine Flu, I googled that last week when I had a sore throat.

Anyway... This post was supposed to be about not worrying (Psalm 127:2). You can probably see where it's going, so I shall put that verse into practice and get my 8-hours.

Me

I just had dinner with a college buddy. We talked about the ups and downs of work, and ended up with: "How can we possibly live a meaningful life in corporate America?" It's hard not to go through each day feeling like a drone... looking forward to breakfast, coffee, lunch, coffee, coffee, dinner, NBA playoffs.

Since I returned from Nepal (and got sick), I've had this weird sense of guilt. I constantly feel like I should be doing more - sending out e-mails, setting up meetings, taking the initiative, etc. After all, I received so much and have been so blessed. Oddly enough, that guilt makes me do even less. In my perfectionism, I end up giving up because there is just so much that can be done. That overriding guilt is like the proverbial piano teacher - constantly smacking my fingers and telling me how awful I am. I actually had a piano teacher like that.. she had brown teeth and awful coffee breath (Jeanette can validate this).

God created pharmaceutical companies (arguable) and He created consulting companies (even more debatable). There MUST be a way to live a victorious life as a traveling pharma consultant for His glory.

My Utmost for His Highest
We walk by faith, not by sight —2 Corinthians 5:7

For a while, we are fully aware of God’s concern for us. But then, when God begins to use us in His work, we begin to take on a pitiful look and talk only of our trials and difficulties. And all the while God is trying to make us do our work as hidden people who are not in the spotlight. None of us would be hidden spiritually if we could help it. Can we do our work when it seems that God has sealed up heaven? Some of us always want to be brightly illuminated saints with golden halos and with the continual glow of inspiration, and to have other saints of God dealing with us all the time. A self-assured saint is of to God. He is abnormal, unfit for daily life, and completely unlike God. We are here, not as immature angels, but as men and women, no valueto do the work of this world. And we are to do it with an infinitely greater power to withstand the struggle because we have been born from above.

If we continually try to bring back those exceptional moments of inspiration, it is a sign that it is not God we want. We are becoming obsessed with the moments when God did come and speak with us, and we are insisting that He do it again. But what God wants us to do is to "walk by faith." How many of us have set ourselves aside as if to say, "I cannot do anything else until God appears to me"? He will never do it. We will have to get up on our own, without any inspiration and without any sudden touch from God. Then comes our surprise and we find ourselves exclaiming, "Why, He was there all the time, and I never knew it!" Never live for those exceptional moments— they are surprises. God will give us His touches of inspiration only when He sees that we are not in danger of being led away by them. We must never consider our moments of inspiration as the standard way of life— our work is our standard.

What We Need (Reflection 2)

It's 4:30 a.m. (1:30 a.m. over here in San Francisco). I fell asleep at 8 due to jet lag, and haven't been able to go back to sleep. Oh well... a week ago I got food poisoning, so there's always something to be thankful for. Speaking of which, isn't it amazing how small the world is now? A week ago, I was at the foothills of a mountain in Nepal and now I'm sitting on my bed in a sanitized Courtyard in South San Francisco.

One of my recent struggles has been a desire to "jealously guard" what I learned in Nepal; constantly assessing my thoughts and emotions to ensure that I have not fallen far from the "high." Thinking out loud, there's something admirable about that - but also something dangerous. The danger comes from using our feelings as the sole barometer of our closeness to God (i.e. chasing a spiritual high) rather than His word. What's admirable, is that tasting His goodness leaves one always asking for more of Him. Experiencing his love afresh is such a gift, loving the person of Christ is so precious.

After 24-hours of my food poisoning, I was getting pretty frustrated. I had to fly back to the States soon, and couldn't even hold down a cream cracker. I'm not sure they have cream crackers in the US; I don't think anyone would eat it. They are bland, flaky crackers that people only eat if that is the only snack their mom will leave at home or if they are sick (both of which applied to me). I have this picture of me eating cream crackers in the dark, while drinking a bottle of water. It is very sad, but also sort of funny.

In any case, there was one point where the cramps were unbearable and my system couldn't hold food down for any longer than 30 minutes. I'd eat and drink something, only to wake up 30 minutes later and take up my throne in the bathroom. I'm sorry if this is sort of crass, it's late and toilet humor is a good fall back. Anyway... after the 20+ time of a certain activity, I felt like a crude filtration system. I felt awful.

My parents were pretty awesome throughout this entire process, and would check up on me and pray for me throughout the night. At one particular time, my mom encouraged me to praise God. This would usually irritate me, as she wasn't the one ingesting stomach acid. But it was such truth for that time. One of the subtle lies that had crept in to my life was: if we are faithful, he will be faithful in kind and answer our prayers as we desire. Yes, God delights to honor our faithfulness, but He is not required to give us anything. He already has. If we are constantly looking to Him in order for us to receive something, our faith becomes very superficial and shallow.

I was bringing my petty accomplishments on the trip to him as evidence of my service and faithfulness. In kind, I would like to be healed. It was only when I heard the admonition to praise God that something shifted.. Actually, right before my mom prayed - the song "Jesus, we enthrone you" came to my head. There's something very powerful and freeing about proclaiming Christ as king, even when the light at the end of the tunnel is no where near.

After some reflection, I think this is what it is: When we can praise Jesus in spite of us not receiving a clear answer to our prayers, we are telling Jesus that He is better than anything He can give. It brings a freedom, because I am free to praise Him regardless of what I get. I am not bound by circumstance nor outcome, but simply by His goodness. That brief realization was so precious.. I pray that I do not forget.

We are really a work in progress. We are a stubborn, selfish and gift seeking people; in spite of the fact that He is all we need. Imagine the type of people we'd be if we were constantly living the truth that an intimacy with Him is sweeter than anything in the world; that THAT is all we need in life; that THAT is our bread and our drink; and that THAT is the source of our strength. We'd win the world over in no time.

Having shared all this, I know that it was His grace to reveal this to me (i.e. "flesh and blood has not made this known...") His grace to encourage me when my stomach and heart was failing. I'm scared I'll forget... but I have to remember that though the feeling fade and the high go away, the God who deserved to be praised in the midst of food poisoning deserves praise in times of promotion and success or loss and weakness. What a freedom it brings to realize that He is constant and likewise, deserves the same response from us. How it frees us from thinking we need to work for His favor.. we do not need to "twist His arm" in order to get what we want. We need to be "twisted back" to see what we need. It is Him, it is Him, it is Him.

Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.

Jesus Shall Take the Highest Honor (Reflection 1)

So true. Only one name deserves the highest honor. Before I go into the emotional rhetoric of why, there is the very personal and practical aspect. Namely, all of us were made to worship something; to base our lives on something.

During this trip, one of things I learned and re-learned was that only Jesus deserves the highest honor. He is the only one worth worshiping and it really is all about Him. It is not foolishness to dedicate your life to the one who paid it all. This may be emotional right now, but I am also writing this to "remember in the valley what I learned on the peak."

Part of this lesson came from being humbled. There's nothing I could teach the people here, they knew (experientially) far more than me - it was I who was blessed. But yet, it's really not about that - as important as it is for us to know God and His word. All of our work, no matter how noble, must be done in the spirit of bringing Jesus glory. Not me - that cannot be the concern. If it is, then I can only be satisfied when my actions bring about results. If it isn't, then it's more than OK if only one of my words made any positive impact. As my dad says, your life's work may only win one convert for Christ - but he/she may turn out to be the next Billy Graham. In the end, it's not about the results, it's about His glory. Because... Jesus shall take the Highest honor.

In the end, He will receive all the glory. He will be known on every tongue and tribe as the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. He will restore nations and peoples, and once and for all, destroy sin and its effects: poverty, child exploitation, bad governments, etc. What a privilege it is for us to be co-laborers with him. How foolish for us to think we are needed to "bring something to the table." How beautiful it is for believers of every tribe and tongue to worship God, regardless of background, color, or anything else.

The gospel is really the power of God for the salvation of many. Too many times (in the "West"), we diminish the power of its message by making excuses for it or over pop-culturing it. I'm speaking for myself. But the message of Jesus dying for our sins to reconcile us to God does not need to be excused for. It is the power of God for the salvation of many. Will share more later.

So, this is my first thought. I've really been humbled on this trip. There's not much (on paper) that I could bring to the table... All I could do was learn. But that's ok. God is more interested with what we are becoming, than what we can bring. Likewise, we are most satisfied when we are living for the one thing that deserves the highest honor. Everything else gives a taste, but no where near satisfies. I've been so challenged by the brothers here (both on the team and local Christians), who sacrifice so much because of Christ.

It's awe inspiring to see how much they give up, how much they press in and how much they rejoice in ministry. The songs they worship with often reflect on the glory, honor and power of Christ - for very obvious reasons. He is their sustenance, as He is ours. He is their stronghold, as He is ours. He deserves the highest praise - from me, from the Nepali Christians and from all the earth.

First Thoughts

We're waiting for our flight to Bangkok. I'm still processing the trip - there's definitely a lot to digest. In short, it's been amazing; the people, their passion and most importantly, God and His purposes.

I'll write more on my 5-hour layover in Bangkok, but a short update: I ate something suspect on either Wednesday/Thursday. Came down with some pretty severe food poisoning - couldn't hold anything in my stomach for about 36 hours (I'll spare everyone the details). I managed to speak at the youth meeting, but couldn't make it for church on Saturday. Feel a lot better right now, but still eating bread with plain tea.

Nonetheless, that in itself has been a great learning experience. Thanks for all of your prayers.

All About Jesus

God is so good. I will share more when the time comes, but I've been humbled, convicted, challenged and encouraged.

I spent some time yesterday with some associate pastors. Their knowledge of theology and their eloquence blew me away. Spent this morning with young church leaders from all over Nepal. Many of them walk days to the event. Was so humbled - it is I who should be learning. There was one moment that stood out - we were singing "Jesus, we enthrone You" and "Be to Our God" in a tight room with no electricity (more on that later) and two guitars/one drum. It was so beautiful; in all honesty, I haven't heard anything close to that in a long time. Their earnestness was infectious.

I visited an orphanage in the afternoon/evening. I was even more blown away. I started talking to one of the young pastors out here. We talked over lunch, and got to talking about helping him with support. Hearing what he goes through/has gone through/what he's currently doing is amazing; in short, he supports an orphanage with 16 girls and started a church... on top of translating duties, and generating enough income for all of this. Please pray.

Back to the title of this post. Yesterday and the day before, I felt out of place. This is stream of consciousness, so it's not going to be packaged or articulate. I felt cynical, not spiritual enough, sinful, selfish and just plain out of place. I'm the youngest on the team - the next age up is 40+. In some ways, I was getting frustrated - feeling as if I came for no reason. I sort of blew up at my parents yesterday, which was part jet lag and part frustration (...I apologized, albeit long after the fact).

This morning, I felt awful. Had a short devotion time with parents, and was reminded that it really wasn't about me. God's purposes are so much greater, and yet He's so faithful in allowing us to participate. Christ and the gospel are real - it is the power of God for the salvation of many. It's real. It's all about Him. Our lives, our efforts, everything. He paid it all, and all to Him we owe. In the end, He's really not interested in our plans, abilities or attributes. He desires our hearts - and is more interested in what we are becoming, than what we are doing. Why? His glory. His glory, manifest in our satisfaction and deep enjoyment of who He is. His glory, overflowing through us to the world. His glory, which will one day be recognized by every tribe and tongue.

Having said all this, I would appreciate prayer for the team/me in this area of putting Him first. I honestly think that this isn't a huge struggle for others on the team, but I'm trying not to be selfish. :) I do still feel as if I don't have that much to give - I should be the one learning... Really.

I'm giving a "motivational talk" tomorrow morning, and then have the youth meeting on Friday. I might speak at a service on Saturday (at the church of the young pastor I talked to)... In short, any prayer would be mucho appreciated-o.

Bangkok

Leaving Bangkok today... Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva declared a state of emergency, as protesters forced the Asean summit to be canceled.

We didn't notice too much, other than the fact that we had to take a longer route to the airport this morning. Off to Nepal...

Narita Airport

First stop, Narita Airport. Shower, soba, unspecified beverages, lounges... Thank you United. Ran into my uncle and cousin transiting from Hokkaido - what a small world.

I feel a bit guilty posting this, given the purpose of my trip and all. But I'd be lying if I selectively posted pictures of me in a rural setting - covered with mud, mosquitoes, etc. Funny how that picture is the common perception of mission trips. It's almost like there's a mission tier status. The more suffering, the holier (Disclaimer: This is me rambling and does not reflect what is taught at Perspectives or what my dad believes).

There is a reason for the beverage BTW. The lounges here have automatic beverage dispensing machines, which tip the chilled glass at the perfect angle to create the perfect amount of froth. I had to try it. They also have automatic toilets, but... To be honest, the trip has been great so far. It's nice to get a break from work (no blackberry buzzing or "what should I be doing") and having 14 hours of movies, books and reflection. I watched Twilight and liked it.

I also started reading Charlie's book on calling: A Journey Worth Taking (Charlie Drew). There's this one part that really struck me -

"When we allow the calls to self-discovery and service to eclipse the call to God, they cease to be calling at all, for we have bidden the Caller to leave. We become idolaters (even if we are engaged in worthwile spiritual causes), and our idolatry makes us miserable. Self-discovery becomes depressing because the things we "discover" about ourselves tend to be unflattering. Work and service begin to dry up and lose their sense of purpose. Or they degenerate into what we do to get approval or to get the money we need to enjoy ourselves somewhere else. Or they become obsessions that bring on sleepless nights, inhibit serious friendships, and send us to an early grave..."

Wow. This was one of those passages you read, put the book down, and let the weight of its truth convict you.

Anyway... this post turned out longer than I expected as my flight was delayed. Next stop, Bangkok.

Off and On

Flight from San Francisco to Newark was delayed. Got in at 2 a.m. Did laundry, packed, finished up some work - 6 a.m. Have to leave the house by 9 a.m. Sun is up.

Needed to share... I've been disturbed recently by the thought that much of my motivation for going on this trip is selfish. Shouldn't the ideal be an overwhelming passion for the people or more importantly, for God? Am I falling into a consumeristic mindset of testing the water to see what suits me?

If so, I hope that changes. I shan't beat myself up; that is often just an exercise in self-pity or -sufficiency. I don't know the clean theological answer, but I do think this struggle is necessary. If we are motivated by an overriding emotion for the people, that fades and so may our effort. If we are serving to find our niche, that too is too weak a motivation to sustain our effort. If however, Christ and His glory captures our imagination, passion and motivation, there is no separation between the love for others, us being "satisfied" and God being glorified.

In short, time for me to stop filtering my motivations and let God be God. It is He alone that convicts, He alone that changes and He alone that sustains.

Struck

Struck at the heart
How would you know
Secrets so guarded
I would not show

A word that pierced
My hardened soul
A stream beginning
A seed that grows

You bring the water
You bring the rain
Only revive
Only reclaim

Start Again

There's something about being tired that borders on losing yourself. That phase where nothing really matters, and you just want to sleep it off or down that plate of hamburger, fries and beer.

It's the feeling of separation, where nothing matters and you wish you could just start again. I wish I could start again; I would do it differently this time. I wouldn't doubt, I wouldn't fear, I would believe.

It's times like this where faith is such a fight. Can I believe Lamentations 3:22-23?

²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

If His compassions never fail, then why does my heart? Why do I? Yes, Your compassions are new every morning, but my strength is sapped and I don't know how to continue. What if I take you at Your word? Can I start again - today, tomorrow, now? I want to know the yes, not just hear it.

Breaking Out of J

I retook the Myers-Briggs test today and guess what, I'm a strong INFJ. 80% I, 80% N, 70% F and 80% J. Many people hate this test, feeling constrained by its prescriptions. I actually like it - it helps me understand others and is a great go to topic in awkward silences. :) Plus, it helps me carefully winnow out chosen friends as I only talk to people who are my opposites (ENTP, ESTP)... Smirk.

In all seriousness, my theory is that relating to individuals who are very strong in a trait I share tends to push me in the opposite direction. For example, if my sole friend is an introverted control freak (I and J), I am pushed to become more extroverted and spontaneous. Thankfully, I do not know many introverted control freaks. Winnowing, winnowing... That and my mood tends to skew my INFJ-ness. Right now, I'm stuck in a hotel room and extremely tired... This is pretty much me distilled.

This weekend, I broke out of the man formerly known as INFJ and it felt great. Feeling bored and tired at a barbeque, I (along with 3 other weirdos - many of whom were sticking with their personality traits) decided to drive 2 hours to Philladelphia and enjoy a spontaneous adventure. We ran up Rocky's steps, climbed empty fountains, got lost in West Philli suburbs (wouldn't recommend that) and stuffed our faces with buttered bread + beef + cheese + lard and fries. It was great. It was freeing. It was so much fun.

So yes, I do like the MB test. It's a great starting point for understanding others, but is definitely not a be all and catch all. Sometimes, the greatest joys in life are found when we step out of ourselves and let loose (ala Dr. Manhattan). I'm sorry, totally inappropriate...

There are some people whose status quo is a state of constant spontaneity - I am very jealous. For us normal folk, the spontaneity and adventure is something our heart thrives on and our 9-5's don't provide. What am I trying to say? There is so much to live for; so much which we do not allow ourselves to enjoy because it does not fall in line with our personality, plans, expectations, etc. Spontaneity definitely comes with a sacrifice, but at the core of spontaneity is a heart that longs to rely on more than its mind. This is a heart that thumps and beats, and most importantly - lives.

You Alone Can

Hurt tugging at my side,
Just want to shut down,
Why continue? Why try?
Why pretend?

If I give in,
Is there relief?
If I stop,
Is there finally peace?

Hurt just holds,
I try to escape,
Where dreams expected,
Push toward hate

If there is You,
And I believe,
My life affected,
My spirit saved

Come and rescue,
Come revive,
Piece the broken,
Mend this life,

Here I am,
My hurt in hand,
Trusting You,
For you alone can

First Post

Some things are better written than spoken. It's always been easier for me to communicate through writing, rather than speech. While this is reflective of a somewhat reticent personality, putting down thoughts on paper impels me to thoroughly reflect and validate the emotions and stances that, at first glance, seem so black and white. Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

This is my outlet; something I've missed since college and (hopefully) something that points to sustenance and strength outside of me.