Stepping Forward

Bye

I am leaving you behind
Bid farewell, locked in time

Memories I paid to revisit
Only to stop now, and hesitate

You were my comfort, my safety, my plan
All along, while rejecting His hand

But as I leaned, I couldn't move on
Couldn't accept the dreams that were gone

This crux of a life that I once lived
Was not as pleasant as I had believed

I'm dropping the keys, closing the door
Turning around to look no more

Years a yonder, there's no regret
But only hope and life instead
- 5/25/09

I'm moving apartments this week. I spent a good three years in this apartment, and have to admit that leaving is pretty sad (albeit exciting). For those who haven't noticed, I'm all about the dramatic imagery and moments. I like thinking back to "what was I doing three years ago, to this day, at this hour..." and let the nostalgia flood and, at times, comfort. Key distinction: liking dramatic imagery <> dramatic.

Nonetheless, there's something comforting about that reflection... i.e The "good 'ol days" were so darn good, and I've come so far within that time span. *That past sentence only makes sense in a Southern accent* Yet, there is also something unhealthy about that reflection.

I wrote about this a few weeks ago, but I've struggled of late to not live within the boundaries of the past. As good as it may have been, there were also times of struggle during the past three years. As comforting as my room with an attached bathroom was, how I hated being there at points. As great as my work experience was, how I couldn't bring myself to wake up on certain weekdays... In Isaiah 43:18-19, God's admonition to the Israelites does not belittle the goodness of the past - it highlights the promise of the present.

I am a dweller on the past, constantly letting past achievements and memories comfort and secure me. But all of that is within my control, and I am the king of my planet nostalgia. God's reminder for us is to let go of the past, and let Him define our present. I used to wonder how the Israelites could grumble so much during their 40 years in the wilderness; not only grumble, but clamor for their time of slavery. Isn't that akin to my actions and thoughts?

In holding on to my memories, I (in some ways) am dictating to God how I want my present to play out. By saying this, I am by no means minimizing the importance of learning from the past and allowing time for healing. What I am saying, is that we have to make a decision to let go of our past and its promise in order to fully live in the future.

You hear stories about ex-college football players reflecting on what could've been and what was... or people in the workforce clamoring for the carefree days of college. How amazing would it be if we were excited about today; about what God is doing today, about what He thinks of us today, about how we are changing today, about His provision today.

Yes, the past can be a safe place to live. But it is also a numbing and stagnant place. Safety is in the center of God's plan... moving, living and being in a present-time relationship with Him. I wrote the small blurb above while thinking of closing the doors to my apartment for the last time and in some ways, finishing up a specific and special season of my life (see what I mean about the dramatic imagery). This is hard to honestly articulate, but I must believe that God can and will make the next season even better.

Pray for Nepal

Things are getting pretty bad in Nepal since Maoist leader Prachanda quit as prime minister on May 4. On Saturday, May 23rd, a local church was bombed killing two and injuring 14. Authorities think that the Nepal Defence Army, a Hindu extremist group, is responsible for the bombing.

The country has been rocked by political instability for awhile, and this will only hamper the tourist industry, which accounts for much of Nepal's GDP. Please pray that God keeps His people, and extends His kingdom in the face of persecution.

A Gift

It is such a blessing to have parents who love the Lord... parents whose lives are availed as a gold mine for their children. Other than the right answer of Jesus, my parents have been the greatest "gift" I've been given. Their wisdom has constantly challenged me to consider Christ; their example confirming that God holds to His promises. I would continue to their love, patience, etc. but that would just be mushy and self-serving (Hi Dad, Hi Mom). My parents read this.

In Nepal, one of the greatest take-aways was the preciousness and glory of Christ - seen through the dedication and lives of the believers there. I mentioned this before, but to reiterate.. their zeal was so infectious. I came back convinced that I was GOING to live like them. Nonetheless, the distractions of earthly pleasures and their pursuit grow like thorns, strangling the vibrancy and passion of knowing Christ. It is easy to cynically look at believers in 3rd world countries and claim that it is far easier for them to be dedicated to Him... after all, He is all they have. Yet, He is all we have too.

I started reading Ecclesiastes and I must say, I really resonate with Solomon. He was spot on. All the things we "possess" and work to secure are essentially meaningless; a chasing after the wind. In the midst of this malaise, how refreshing is it to see lives lived in relative comfort with the conviction that, when heaven and earth pass away, Jesus is all we have. We can now BE, knowing that He is all we need and that He came (Romans 8:32). To "seek Him first", and allow the promises of God to hold true.

I am so, so far from understanding or exemplifying. As C.S. Lewis noted, my desires not too strong but rather, too weak. Too easily distracted. Too often defeated. Too seldom living in the promised freedom. Back to the top.. what a blessing and treasure it is to have parents who point and pour out His preciousness to their children. It is truly the best gift they could ever give, and I am truly indebted.

Heart
Cracked by deceit
The mirror gone
My own lies
This image torn

One saw it all
And still accepted
Cured the shame
Now Him reflected

Shine more
Shine pure
Shine
Till all they see is You
- 5/21/2009

Isaiah 43:18-19

I went to court today... Pleaded "no contest" to not stopping before turning right on red. Long story short, I asked the judge a bunch of questions, she kindly told me NO and reduced my fine to leave me with a $300+ picture and some demerit points. I don't know... I think the picture was worth it.

I was pretty irritated with the whole procedure. That one intersection (according to reports), brings in about $500,000 a year from "patient" peeps like myself. It's a great money making mechanism, but probably not a good idea for restaurants on that intersection. That was one expensive burger. At least I got a picture.

Anyway... I'm trying my best to not complain about ANYTHING, and give thanks in all situations (hence my "glee" at the candid and frankly unflattering picture). I think a large part of that, for me at least, is letting go of the past and not revisiting it with regret or reminiscence. My mom shared the following verses with me a while back, reminding me to press on and live in the present. It was so timely.

Isiah 43

¹⁸ "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

As a bit of Mother's Day plug, I must say that my mom is really blessed with these words of wisdom backed by love and compassion. I am a beneficiary. When I was younger, my parents gave me a card that read something along the lines of: when you live in the past with all your regrets, I (God) am not there... when you live in the future, with all of its aspirations and ambitions, I am not there... when you live in the present, I am.

I'll always remember that card. I don't think it's theologically 100%, but it's a great reminder that we were NOT made to live on past memories and accomplishments or future hopes / pleasures. I constantly find myself falling into that trap. Somehow, when you remember the past - EVEN times of suffering - they always seem rosy compared to present sufferings. Army was GREAT, even though I hated being devoured by mosquitoes or sleeping in doo-doo. College was GREAT, even though I struggled with workload/responsibilities/job search... You get the point.

On certain occasions (when I am not picking the log out of my eye), I find myself in conversations where people are constantly complaining. No matter how you frame it, there is always a negative take. If you look carefully at these conversations, there's always an aspect of either: the past was so much better or it's so much better to be in the future. Kids want to be adults, adults want to be kids, college kids want to work, working adults want to study... You name it.

Forget the former things. That is life. If you (I really mean I) stop living in the past, you'll see that God is moving and working in your life in the very present. Do you not perceive it? Take stock of your life. God has never let you down and He never will; His track record is perfect. There is no joy in being a downer and living in the past. He promises us a life of fullness, and that is a life that is trusting Him to take care of us as we embark on this wild adventure. I really wish that I could perceive this in full and be so convinced... yet convicted by my lack of faith. He is making these streams and ways, EVEN in the midst of our deserts and wastelands (yes... even when we refused to listen and stubbornly made our way there).

Oh well. At this point, I have reached the level of shamelessly preaching to myself, and leveraging my expensive picture as fodder for optimism and a timely reminder for joy. I shall stop.

Dream

There are times my mind wanders...

Calf Contusion

Yes, that is what I supposedly have. I got kicked at soccer two weeks ago, and the swelling in my calf has yet to go away. I would post pictures, but nobody wants to see bigfoot (don't ask).

And yes, I spent an hour googling "Calf Bruising", "Calf Kick Pain", "Calf Cannot Walk" along with "Allergies vs. Swine Flu" to find out what was wrong with me. Funny how the cure for all muscle injuries is RICE. Also... I'm lying about the Swine Flu, I googled that last week when I had a sore throat.

Anyway... This post was supposed to be about not worrying (Psalm 127:2). You can probably see where it's going, so I shall put that verse into practice and get my 8-hours.

Me

I just had dinner with a college buddy. We talked about the ups and downs of work, and ended up with: "How can we possibly live a meaningful life in corporate America?" It's hard not to go through each day feeling like a drone... looking forward to breakfast, coffee, lunch, coffee, coffee, dinner, NBA playoffs.

Since I returned from Nepal (and got sick), I've had this weird sense of guilt. I constantly feel like I should be doing more - sending out e-mails, setting up meetings, taking the initiative, etc. After all, I received so much and have been so blessed. Oddly enough, that guilt makes me do even less. In my perfectionism, I end up giving up because there is just so much that can be done. That overriding guilt is like the proverbial piano teacher - constantly smacking my fingers and telling me how awful I am. I actually had a piano teacher like that.. she had brown teeth and awful coffee breath (Jeanette can validate this).

God created pharmaceutical companies (arguable) and He created consulting companies (even more debatable). There MUST be a way to live a victorious life as a traveling pharma consultant for His glory.

My Utmost for His Highest
We walk by faith, not by sight —2 Corinthians 5:7

For a while, we are fully aware of God’s concern for us. But then, when God begins to use us in His work, we begin to take on a pitiful look and talk only of our trials and difficulties. And all the while God is trying to make us do our work as hidden people who are not in the spotlight. None of us would be hidden spiritually if we could help it. Can we do our work when it seems that God has sealed up heaven? Some of us always want to be brightly illuminated saints with golden halos and with the continual glow of inspiration, and to have other saints of God dealing with us all the time. A self-assured saint is of to God. He is abnormal, unfit for daily life, and completely unlike God. We are here, not as immature angels, but as men and women, no valueto do the work of this world. And we are to do it with an infinitely greater power to withstand the struggle because we have been born from above.

If we continually try to bring back those exceptional moments of inspiration, it is a sign that it is not God we want. We are becoming obsessed with the moments when God did come and speak with us, and we are insisting that He do it again. But what God wants us to do is to "walk by faith." How many of us have set ourselves aside as if to say, "I cannot do anything else until God appears to me"? He will never do it. We will have to get up on our own, without any inspiration and without any sudden touch from God. Then comes our surprise and we find ourselves exclaiming, "Why, He was there all the time, and I never knew it!" Never live for those exceptional moments— they are surprises. God will give us His touches of inspiration only when He sees that we are not in danger of being led away by them. We must never consider our moments of inspiration as the standard way of life— our work is our standard.