What We Need (Reflection 2)

It's 4:30 a.m. (1:30 a.m. over here in San Francisco). I fell asleep at 8 due to jet lag, and haven't been able to go back to sleep. Oh well... a week ago I got food poisoning, so there's always something to be thankful for. Speaking of which, isn't it amazing how small the world is now? A week ago, I was at the foothills of a mountain in Nepal and now I'm sitting on my bed in a sanitized Courtyard in South San Francisco.

One of my recent struggles has been a desire to "jealously guard" what I learned in Nepal; constantly assessing my thoughts and emotions to ensure that I have not fallen far from the "high." Thinking out loud, there's something admirable about that - but also something dangerous. The danger comes from using our feelings as the sole barometer of our closeness to God (i.e. chasing a spiritual high) rather than His word. What's admirable, is that tasting His goodness leaves one always asking for more of Him. Experiencing his love afresh is such a gift, loving the person of Christ is so precious.

After 24-hours of my food poisoning, I was getting pretty frustrated. I had to fly back to the States soon, and couldn't even hold down a cream cracker. I'm not sure they have cream crackers in the US; I don't think anyone would eat it. They are bland, flaky crackers that people only eat if that is the only snack their mom will leave at home or if they are sick (both of which applied to me). I have this picture of me eating cream crackers in the dark, while drinking a bottle of water. It is very sad, but also sort of funny.

In any case, there was one point where the cramps were unbearable and my system couldn't hold food down for any longer than 30 minutes. I'd eat and drink something, only to wake up 30 minutes later and take up my throne in the bathroom. I'm sorry if this is sort of crass, it's late and toilet humor is a good fall back. Anyway... after the 20+ time of a certain activity, I felt like a crude filtration system. I felt awful.

My parents were pretty awesome throughout this entire process, and would check up on me and pray for me throughout the night. At one particular time, my mom encouraged me to praise God. This would usually irritate me, as she wasn't the one ingesting stomach acid. But it was such truth for that time. One of the subtle lies that had crept in to my life was: if we are faithful, he will be faithful in kind and answer our prayers as we desire. Yes, God delights to honor our faithfulness, but He is not required to give us anything. He already has. If we are constantly looking to Him in order for us to receive something, our faith becomes very superficial and shallow.

I was bringing my petty accomplishments on the trip to him as evidence of my service and faithfulness. In kind, I would like to be healed. It was only when I heard the admonition to praise God that something shifted.. Actually, right before my mom prayed - the song "Jesus, we enthrone you" came to my head. There's something very powerful and freeing about proclaiming Christ as king, even when the light at the end of the tunnel is no where near.

After some reflection, I think this is what it is: When we can praise Jesus in spite of us not receiving a clear answer to our prayers, we are telling Jesus that He is better than anything He can give. It brings a freedom, because I am free to praise Him regardless of what I get. I am not bound by circumstance nor outcome, but simply by His goodness. That brief realization was so precious.. I pray that I do not forget.

We are really a work in progress. We are a stubborn, selfish and gift seeking people; in spite of the fact that He is all we need. Imagine the type of people we'd be if we were constantly living the truth that an intimacy with Him is sweeter than anything in the world; that THAT is all we need in life; that THAT is our bread and our drink; and that THAT is the source of our strength. We'd win the world over in no time.

Having shared all this, I know that it was His grace to reveal this to me (i.e. "flesh and blood has not made this known...") His grace to encourage me when my stomach and heart was failing. I'm scared I'll forget... but I have to remember that though the feeling fade and the high go away, the God who deserved to be praised in the midst of food poisoning deserves praise in times of promotion and success or loss and weakness. What a freedom it brings to realize that He is constant and likewise, deserves the same response from us. How it frees us from thinking we need to work for His favor.. we do not need to "twist His arm" in order to get what we want. We need to be "twisted back" to see what we need. It is Him, it is Him, it is Him.

Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.

Jesus Shall Take the Highest Honor (Reflection 1)

So true. Only one name deserves the highest honor. Before I go into the emotional rhetoric of why, there is the very personal and practical aspect. Namely, all of us were made to worship something; to base our lives on something.

During this trip, one of things I learned and re-learned was that only Jesus deserves the highest honor. He is the only one worth worshiping and it really is all about Him. It is not foolishness to dedicate your life to the one who paid it all. This may be emotional right now, but I am also writing this to "remember in the valley what I learned on the peak."

Part of this lesson came from being humbled. There's nothing I could teach the people here, they knew (experientially) far more than me - it was I who was blessed. But yet, it's really not about that - as important as it is for us to know God and His word. All of our work, no matter how noble, must be done in the spirit of bringing Jesus glory. Not me - that cannot be the concern. If it is, then I can only be satisfied when my actions bring about results. If it isn't, then it's more than OK if only one of my words made any positive impact. As my dad says, your life's work may only win one convert for Christ - but he/she may turn out to be the next Billy Graham. In the end, it's not about the results, it's about His glory. Because... Jesus shall take the Highest honor.

In the end, He will receive all the glory. He will be known on every tongue and tribe as the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. He will restore nations and peoples, and once and for all, destroy sin and its effects: poverty, child exploitation, bad governments, etc. What a privilege it is for us to be co-laborers with him. How foolish for us to think we are needed to "bring something to the table." How beautiful it is for believers of every tribe and tongue to worship God, regardless of background, color, or anything else.

The gospel is really the power of God for the salvation of many. Too many times (in the "West"), we diminish the power of its message by making excuses for it or over pop-culturing it. I'm speaking for myself. But the message of Jesus dying for our sins to reconcile us to God does not need to be excused for. It is the power of God for the salvation of many. Will share more later.

So, this is my first thought. I've really been humbled on this trip. There's not much (on paper) that I could bring to the table... All I could do was learn. But that's ok. God is more interested with what we are becoming, than what we can bring. Likewise, we are most satisfied when we are living for the one thing that deserves the highest honor. Everything else gives a taste, but no where near satisfies. I've been so challenged by the brothers here (both on the team and local Christians), who sacrifice so much because of Christ.

It's awe inspiring to see how much they give up, how much they press in and how much they rejoice in ministry. The songs they worship with often reflect on the glory, honor and power of Christ - for very obvious reasons. He is their sustenance, as He is ours. He is their stronghold, as He is ours. He deserves the highest praise - from me, from the Nepali Christians and from all the earth.

First Thoughts

We're waiting for our flight to Bangkok. I'm still processing the trip - there's definitely a lot to digest. In short, it's been amazing; the people, their passion and most importantly, God and His purposes.

I'll write more on my 5-hour layover in Bangkok, but a short update: I ate something suspect on either Wednesday/Thursday. Came down with some pretty severe food poisoning - couldn't hold anything in my stomach for about 36 hours (I'll spare everyone the details). I managed to speak at the youth meeting, but couldn't make it for church on Saturday. Feel a lot better right now, but still eating bread with plain tea.

Nonetheless, that in itself has been a great learning experience. Thanks for all of your prayers.

All About Jesus

God is so good. I will share more when the time comes, but I've been humbled, convicted, challenged and encouraged.

I spent some time yesterday with some associate pastors. Their knowledge of theology and their eloquence blew me away. Spent this morning with young church leaders from all over Nepal. Many of them walk days to the event. Was so humbled - it is I who should be learning. There was one moment that stood out - we were singing "Jesus, we enthrone You" and "Be to Our God" in a tight room with no electricity (more on that later) and two guitars/one drum. It was so beautiful; in all honesty, I haven't heard anything close to that in a long time. Their earnestness was infectious.

I visited an orphanage in the afternoon/evening. I was even more blown away. I started talking to one of the young pastors out here. We talked over lunch, and got to talking about helping him with support. Hearing what he goes through/has gone through/what he's currently doing is amazing; in short, he supports an orphanage with 16 girls and started a church... on top of translating duties, and generating enough income for all of this. Please pray.

Back to the title of this post. Yesterday and the day before, I felt out of place. This is stream of consciousness, so it's not going to be packaged or articulate. I felt cynical, not spiritual enough, sinful, selfish and just plain out of place. I'm the youngest on the team - the next age up is 40+. In some ways, I was getting frustrated - feeling as if I came for no reason. I sort of blew up at my parents yesterday, which was part jet lag and part frustration (...I apologized, albeit long after the fact).

This morning, I felt awful. Had a short devotion time with parents, and was reminded that it really wasn't about me. God's purposes are so much greater, and yet He's so faithful in allowing us to participate. Christ and the gospel are real - it is the power of God for the salvation of many. It's real. It's all about Him. Our lives, our efforts, everything. He paid it all, and all to Him we owe. In the end, He's really not interested in our plans, abilities or attributes. He desires our hearts - and is more interested in what we are becoming, than what we are doing. Why? His glory. His glory, manifest in our satisfaction and deep enjoyment of who He is. His glory, overflowing through us to the world. His glory, which will one day be recognized by every tribe and tongue.

Having said all this, I would appreciate prayer for the team/me in this area of putting Him first. I honestly think that this isn't a huge struggle for others on the team, but I'm trying not to be selfish. :) I do still feel as if I don't have that much to give - I should be the one learning... Really.

I'm giving a "motivational talk" tomorrow morning, and then have the youth meeting on Friday. I might speak at a service on Saturday (at the church of the young pastor I talked to)... In short, any prayer would be mucho appreciated-o.

Bangkok

Leaving Bangkok today... Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva declared a state of emergency, as protesters forced the Asean summit to be canceled.

We didn't notice too much, other than the fact that we had to take a longer route to the airport this morning. Off to Nepal...

Narita Airport

First stop, Narita Airport. Shower, soba, unspecified beverages, lounges... Thank you United. Ran into my uncle and cousin transiting from Hokkaido - what a small world.

I feel a bit guilty posting this, given the purpose of my trip and all. But I'd be lying if I selectively posted pictures of me in a rural setting - covered with mud, mosquitoes, etc. Funny how that picture is the common perception of mission trips. It's almost like there's a mission tier status. The more suffering, the holier (Disclaimer: This is me rambling and does not reflect what is taught at Perspectives or what my dad believes).

There is a reason for the beverage BTW. The lounges here have automatic beverage dispensing machines, which tip the chilled glass at the perfect angle to create the perfect amount of froth. I had to try it. They also have automatic toilets, but... To be honest, the trip has been great so far. It's nice to get a break from work (no blackberry buzzing or "what should I be doing") and having 14 hours of movies, books and reflection. I watched Twilight and liked it.

I also started reading Charlie's book on calling: A Journey Worth Taking (Charlie Drew). There's this one part that really struck me -

"When we allow the calls to self-discovery and service to eclipse the call to God, they cease to be calling at all, for we have bidden the Caller to leave. We become idolaters (even if we are engaged in worthwile spiritual causes), and our idolatry makes us miserable. Self-discovery becomes depressing because the things we "discover" about ourselves tend to be unflattering. Work and service begin to dry up and lose their sense of purpose. Or they degenerate into what we do to get approval or to get the money we need to enjoy ourselves somewhere else. Or they become obsessions that bring on sleepless nights, inhibit serious friendships, and send us to an early grave..."

Wow. This was one of those passages you read, put the book down, and let the weight of its truth convict you.

Anyway... this post turned out longer than I expected as my flight was delayed. Next stop, Bangkok.

Off and On

Flight from San Francisco to Newark was delayed. Got in at 2 a.m. Did laundry, packed, finished up some work - 6 a.m. Have to leave the house by 9 a.m. Sun is up.

Needed to share... I've been disturbed recently by the thought that much of my motivation for going on this trip is selfish. Shouldn't the ideal be an overwhelming passion for the people or more importantly, for God? Am I falling into a consumeristic mindset of testing the water to see what suits me?

If so, I hope that changes. I shan't beat myself up; that is often just an exercise in self-pity or -sufficiency. I don't know the clean theological answer, but I do think this struggle is necessary. If we are motivated by an overriding emotion for the people, that fades and so may our effort. If we are serving to find our niche, that too is too weak a motivation to sustain our effort. If however, Christ and His glory captures our imagination, passion and motivation, there is no separation between the love for others, us being "satisfied" and God being glorified.

In short, time for me to stop filtering my motivations and let God be God. It is He alone that convicts, He alone that changes and He alone that sustains.

Struck

Struck at the heart
How would you know
Secrets so guarded
I would not show

A word that pierced
My hardened soul
A stream beginning
A seed that grows

You bring the water
You bring the rain
Only revive
Only reclaim

Start Again

There's something about being tired that borders on losing yourself. That phase where nothing really matters, and you just want to sleep it off or down that plate of hamburger, fries and beer.

It's the feeling of separation, where nothing matters and you wish you could just start again. I wish I could start again; I would do it differently this time. I wouldn't doubt, I wouldn't fear, I would believe.

It's times like this where faith is such a fight. Can I believe Lamentations 3:22-23?

²² Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

If His compassions never fail, then why does my heart? Why do I? Yes, Your compassions are new every morning, but my strength is sapped and I don't know how to continue. What if I take you at Your word? Can I start again - today, tomorrow, now? I want to know the yes, not just hear it.