I'm not Alright

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immuned, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

'Cause honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
Leads me to you
Closer to you
Closer to you
Closer to you

I'm not alright I'm broken inside
Broken inside
I'm broken inside, Broken inside
And all I go through leads me to you
Leads me to you

I'm not alright, I'm not alright
I'm not alright ... that's why I need you.

- Santus Real (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2LCvCBaqVg)

I stumbled on this song by Sanctus Real. I'm no where near as talented, but it feels as if I wrote this.

Vented

I'm on this initiative to not complain.. about people, weather, flights, etc. But right now, I need to vent. Maybe this will give me a better perspective.. maybe not. I know there is a reason for everything.

• Last night: Supposed to meet a friend for drinks/dinner. Friend lost number. Ate my taco, watched some TV, read, went to bed.
• 3:45 am: Woke up in a weird position. Neck hurts. Can't go back to sleep.
  
• Work day: Fire-fighting (not literal) while half asleep. Wish I wasn't on this project by myself.
• 2:00 pm: Check flight status for 3:15 pm flight. Flight delayed for hour and a half. Scheduled to leave at 4:45 pm, reach NY at 1 a.m. Decide to try finish up more work.
  
• 3:30 pm: Get to airport.
• 3:45 pm: Reach gate and find out that delay was rescinded. Flight was pushed up to 3:40 pm. Watch as staff tell me gate is closed, while I see crew still loading luggage. Watch plane pull away.
  

It's taken me over an hour (and a brief nap), to be calm enough to take out my computer and attempt at being productive. My parents have related numerous stories of God orchestrating situations, even missed flights, for his ultimate glory in the most unforeseen ways. I don't know what the purpose of this small episode is and - as I stood at the gate watching the plane pull out - I must admit that His glory was one of the last things on my mind.

But as I sat down tired, frustrated and sorta defeated, one of my parents' stories came to mind. Things like this happen for a reason.

The past week hasn't been easy; revisited by wounds I long thought healed, dealing with the loneliness of working out here myself, hearing the voices of rejection and inadequacy that spew lies and hopelessness. But before I slept last night, there was a measured peace that God would never leave nor forsake me. That He was in control.

Yes, today wasn't the best of days.. But as I sit here with 4 hours left before I find out if I actually get on the next flight, it is ok. Not because I've found something to do or am confident that I'll get on the next flight, but because He has always provided and today is no different.

Too much of my life is spent figuring out how to point to me. I really appreciate John's post on narcissism and self-love, because - while easy to see in others - it exists all the more in me. Nonetheless, if I am convinced that I am taken care of, then I am set free to live for others and point towards the only One that deserves glory.

As I whined and complained to my sister last night, she reminded me that I had once determined to live for the "Glory and Approval of One." Life definitely throws us curve balls, even when we live faithfully and are obedient to His word. People fail us, as do our plans, schedules and best intentions. But, as God provided for the Israelites in the desert, He provides for us. That we would stop complaining and whining, thinking we deserve a smooth ride because of our actions or past struggles. He knows what is best, and is determined to mine and refine us into a "certain kind".

I am still tired. But now, more than most times, His love is so sweet, so real, so constant. What an awesome God we serve.

Snow White

I was never allergic till three years ago. I blame college and the job search for that, as well as my "I've been in the army" pride (i.e. serves you right). I used to laugh at people with seasonal allergies, thinking it was an ailment for suburbanites whose greatest adventure was six flags. Har har.

But low and behold, I started sniffling and wheezing in the Spring of 2006. Every year since then has been a struggle; eye-drops, anti-histamines, alternative medicines (e.g. apple cider vinegar) and even a seminar... while most families hit the beach in summer, we spent a weekend listening to the link between sin and sickness. My sis and I still talk about the seminar, which sometimes finds its way into our brand of repetitive and immature humor - I admit it. I do think there is a link between stress and immunity/allergies, but... I won't go there.

Anyway, I ate an apple this morning and started to feel my mouth tingle. It felt like someone was flossing each of my teeth individually, but was using a guitar string and not floss. I've never done this, but imagine it would hurt. In any case, my mouth started to swell and the corners of my mouth developed - what felt like - instant cold sores. BTW, all this should clue you into how often I eat fruits and floss. I actually did floss this morning, which was what I thought caused all of this.

But... Thank God for google. I found this interesting link from the Canadian CBC. There's no way to verify this article, but it lines up with what I experienced. It seems like seasonal allergies may translate to "hay fever in your mouth" when eating fruits like apples, pears and oranges.

Well, well.. I think I just found my justification for drinking V8 and eating dried mangoes and yogurt covered raisins as my daily intake of fruits and vegetables. Or eating apple pies. What a great idea.

But for grace...

I haven't been able to, try as I might, think of anything to write. Actually, that's not entirely true. I've been able to think of stuff, but haven't been able to articulate/package it properly. I'll blame my perfectionistic tendencies for this one. Actually, I'm going to blame perfectionism for a lot...

I think perfectionists are prone to extreme behavior, as they live and breathe in a zero-sum framework . Things are either black or white, holy or sinful, etc. You could be having the best of days, only for one change in schedule to mark the day as bad. There's no room for mistakes; no understanding when it comes to making a mistake.

As a kid, I remember wasting reams of paper doing homework because my pen smudged. One smudge, and I'd have to start again. It would frustrate the ~@~ out of me (type that in google-chat), but I felt bound to making sure that everything was perfect. I didn't intend for this post to be seRIous, but... vatever.

I think that's part of why it's been hard for me to write. I kept waiting for something "complete" , but our realizations and reflections are often in part. They are half developed, half baked and in need of community to rectify and validate. But if others are needed, how can I be all "put together"? Oh reputation...

When all is said and done, perfectionism is counter to the Christian faith. We were not expected to be self-sufficient or perfect, and should expect mistakes. Randy Pope, from Perimeter church, had a sermon series on idols in our lives. In it, he cites many Christians as suffering from the idol of self righteousness. What perfectionism tells me is that when I sin, I've let myself, others and God down. What shame... After all, how could I sin? Our standards are then higher than God's. In the first few chapters of Romans, it is clear that we shouldn't be surprised at our sin.

The interesting thing is that, the outworkings of this idol are often praised in Christian circles. There's a weird admiration for OCD, put-together, uber spiritual folk... I'm saying this with a tinge of sarcasm, realizing that being "uber spiritual" is not wrong. And so the cycle continues. We strive for perfection by ourselves, soon realize that Jeremiah 17:9 is true for us, but continue demanding OUR perfection anway.. after all, there's comfort in seeing ourselves as already whole. And of course, others must see me as I see myself. bleh.

Should we really be surprised at our sin? In many ways, sin shows us that we are held solely by God's grace. We are not perfect, and can never attain the very perfection we long for. But the beauty of the gospel is that God KNOWS that. It was for freedom, that Christ set us free (Galations 5:1). We are no longer under law, but under grace. Perfectionism is law... We have to do such and such to be such and such and anything else renders me useless. What a lie!

God's forgiveness removes the need to be on the ball at all times. We are neither all bad nor all good. We simply need Him. It's euphamistically interesting to see people beat themselves up over their misdeeds and faults. And by people, I really mean me. Taking a step back, all I can say is: "Really? Do you really think you were better than this? Stronger than this? Wiser than this?" I re-read a bit of Brother Lawrence's "Practicing the Presence of God", and one of the first things that struck me was his response towards sin. He would bring it before God, ask for God's forgiveness, and not let it bother him. Talk about a life of freedom.

When we finally let go of our perfectionism and get off the high horse, we are able to forgive and truly love others. One of the phrases that has been churning in my head is "but for the grace of God", made famous by the english reformer John Bradford. I'll definitely revisit this, but a great exercise for me has been attaching that phrase to people I'm annoyed with, look down upon, or have a hard time forgiving. Hahaha. That can be horrible if taken out of context. But think about it...

That person is so arrogant. I can't believe they did that. Why would you say something like that? What is your problem? How could you...

But for the grace of God, that's me.