But for grace...

I haven't been able to, try as I might, think of anything to write. Actually, that's not entirely true. I've been able to think of stuff, but haven't been able to articulate/package it properly. I'll blame my perfectionistic tendencies for this one. Actually, I'm going to blame perfectionism for a lot...

I think perfectionists are prone to extreme behavior, as they live and breathe in a zero-sum framework . Things are either black or white, holy or sinful, etc. You could be having the best of days, only for one change in schedule to mark the day as bad. There's no room for mistakes; no understanding when it comes to making a mistake.

As a kid, I remember wasting reams of paper doing homework because my pen smudged. One smudge, and I'd have to start again. It would frustrate the ~@~ out of me (type that in google-chat), but I felt bound to making sure that everything was perfect. I didn't intend for this post to be seRIous, but... vatever.

I think that's part of why it's been hard for me to write. I kept waiting for something "complete" , but our realizations and reflections are often in part. They are half developed, half baked and in need of community to rectify and validate. But if others are needed, how can I be all "put together"? Oh reputation...

When all is said and done, perfectionism is counter to the Christian faith. We were not expected to be self-sufficient or perfect, and should expect mistakes. Randy Pope, from Perimeter church, had a sermon series on idols in our lives. In it, he cites many Christians as suffering from the idol of self righteousness. What perfectionism tells me is that when I sin, I've let myself, others and God down. What shame... After all, how could I sin? Our standards are then higher than God's. In the first few chapters of Romans, it is clear that we shouldn't be surprised at our sin.

The interesting thing is that, the outworkings of this idol are often praised in Christian circles. There's a weird admiration for OCD, put-together, uber spiritual folk... I'm saying this with a tinge of sarcasm, realizing that being "uber spiritual" is not wrong. And so the cycle continues. We strive for perfection by ourselves, soon realize that Jeremiah 17:9 is true for us, but continue demanding OUR perfection anway.. after all, there's comfort in seeing ourselves as already whole. And of course, others must see me as I see myself. bleh.

Should we really be surprised at our sin? In many ways, sin shows us that we are held solely by God's grace. We are not perfect, and can never attain the very perfection we long for. But the beauty of the gospel is that God KNOWS that. It was for freedom, that Christ set us free (Galations 5:1). We are no longer under law, but under grace. Perfectionism is law... We have to do such and such to be such and such and anything else renders me useless. What a lie!

God's forgiveness removes the need to be on the ball at all times. We are neither all bad nor all good. We simply need Him. It's euphamistically interesting to see people beat themselves up over their misdeeds and faults. And by people, I really mean me. Taking a step back, all I can say is: "Really? Do you really think you were better than this? Stronger than this? Wiser than this?" I re-read a bit of Brother Lawrence's "Practicing the Presence of God", and one of the first things that struck me was his response towards sin. He would bring it before God, ask for God's forgiveness, and not let it bother him. Talk about a life of freedom.

When we finally let go of our perfectionism and get off the high horse, we are able to forgive and truly love others. One of the phrases that has been churning in my head is "but for the grace of God", made famous by the english reformer John Bradford. I'll definitely revisit this, but a great exercise for me has been attaching that phrase to people I'm annoyed with, look down upon, or have a hard time forgiving. Hahaha. That can be horrible if taken out of context. But think about it...

That person is so arrogant. I can't believe they did that. Why would you say something like that? What is your problem? How could you...

But for the grace of God, that's me.